I have a daily/hourly/constant argument with myself about being happy. I haven’t completely narrowed down the reason why. Clearly obsessing and putting so much concentration on it doesn’t help, I’m literally creating the pressure. But then again I know others struggle with it, so maybe it’s a human thing, or a anxiety and depression thing. Today, on a positive note, I’m ok with not knowing the reason. Progress!
I’ve worked out happiness is an individual thing, and to be confident with yourself and unapologetic. I’ve already spent too much of my time doing things because others my age group were doing it. I never enjoyed hanging out in a big group of teenagers in a shopping centre, and trying to act like an adult when I was 14. It gave me an awful feeling inside, I suppose with hindsight it’s pretending to fit in. I never was much of a sheep though, my trampoline was my definition of joy up till I was 17.
Yes, we have to do these things to learn. Though, I remember getting so confused when I didn’t enjoy things others were seeming to love. Clubbing till I’m absolutely gazeboed (Michael McIntyre joke, anyone?) and an uncontrollable mess – really, this weekend too?! I enjoy it when I’m drunk and still able to dance, please and thank you, but that’s not my epitomy of fun. It’s funny we feel like we have to fit these roles.
But no, I instantly went to why am I weird?! Why can’t I fit in?! Why am I me and not you?!
Oh I can be very dramatic. Just imagine me falling to my knees yelling up to the sky and you wouldn’t be far off the mark.
Flash forward a few years; I really enjoy drinking but I also enjoy knitting. I like doing things and being out and about but I always prefer calmer situations. I enjoy getting to know peoples quirks and find it increasingly hard to be around fake people. Sometimes I’d prefer getting consumed in crafts than seeing anyone. I like speaking openly about my feelings and encourage others too. Plants are nice, I dont enjoy consumerism but I’m a bit of a hoarder, I love anime and I find any excuse to play, because I think that’s the key to my happiness.
I’m always double checking and putting that pressure on myself, and I hate it, yuck. I’m trying so hard at the moment though, I’m really trying to help myself. Knowing that is a big boost and like I said, it’s an individual journey and self reminder – ‘don’t doubt yourself’.
Just a few thoughts I wanted to share from my wardrobe covered in self reminders. (I’m not literally sharing them from there, that’s not my hiding place where I write blog posts from. You know what I mean.)