I travel, I plant, I paint (mainly walls), I scoot, I tie dye, I write

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When you’re a child you feel like you’ll always be caught if you fall. At least I did. No problem seemed that huge once my parents saved the day. Then everything they said or thought was word. It was fact. And I could achieve anything because there was always a safety net.

Teenage hood makes you question things they say. Then things everyone says. Then things yourself have said.

And now, today, I feel frustrated. Mainly with myself, I think, definitely with society. I’m always looking for a strong back bone that’s not mine. It’s even more frustrating because I can’t get the thought out straight. It started with my partner flicking through a newspaper and I got increasingly more annoyed with what they decided to put in it. There were boobs on every page basically. Never completely exposed but definitely deliberately on show. Even thinking about it makes me angry. Then on one page there was ‘old fashioned boobs too’ my partner said, in black and white and from a long time ago. If there wasn’t boobs there were gorgeous women, famous women, all done up and perfect.

I’m all for make up, don’t get me wrong, and if you want to show your boobs because that’s the lifestyle you want that’s cool too. Nudists for the win. But obviously it goes without saying that these photos were all for ogling eyes, not for lifestyle choices. These photos were to keep us in place. Yet my words or thoughts wouldn’t come out how I wanted. Not even now. It’s annoyed me countless times before, I’ve always preached equality, doesn’t matter if I’m not part of that label or group (obviously in this case I am a women) but no matter what group, if it’s for equality I agree, I speak up if it’s in a social situations, I don’t agree with any discrimination. Unlike when you’re young and you feel like no matter what you say or do, you have an adult forming you and having your back. Today I got shook into the fact that I never grew up being told these ideas, not a dig at my parents but the world is a different place now, so when I need to discuss this so my thoughts can be fully formed, there’s no one there holding me up.

Which leads onto the question why do I need someone to help hold me up? Am I not emotionally independent? Do I need to be?

Then I wondered if the reason people don’t end up chasing their dreams because they don’t feel as safe anymore? That’s why it’s so easy to fall into the routine with your life and not aim higher, because that magical world you believed in as a child, where you can achieve anything you wanted, suddenly doesn’t exist anymore when you feel alone?

Seeing these women made me realise where my brain was at, and where the media is still at. I forget women are still repressed. I don’t watch TV really, or pay attention to traditional media, so I rely solely on my own opinion, but oh yeah, newsflash, women are still an object.

For this particular matter I don’t feel like in the future I’ll be any sort of spokesperson on this. I’m not a hypocrite, I do practice what I preach, but this part of me still isn’t fully formed and I don’t know how to get it fully formed when I feel like I need someone there nodding and me and telling me it’s okay. How can it ever be fully formed when I get pushed back down when it’s brought up, and more often than not, get mocked? I know it’s banter, I give it back too, it’s an English thing, and I’m being brave in talking about this subject that’s so controversial and taboo that it could be said ‘I’m asking for it’. Obviously not by me, but I don’t believe in trying to fit in or repressing things that should be spoken about. It does knock you back though, even in your brain. Luckily my boyfriend is a feminist, and it’s never ever been the case of gender roles, or ‘allowing’ me to be myself – I just am completely myself, i don’t feel like I need to hide anything unladylike, which there is a lot and we encourage each other to grow into who we really are, which I never have been before with a partner. I also have some feminist friends, and on the internet there are plenty on this ‘side’ (I hate that there are sides)but there’s this need in me which wants a fully fledged, brick wall, double glazed and a house alarm support for my thoughts and actions.

It’s easier to stay repressed as women, that’s the path we are shown from the moment we are born. It takes a lot to decide to not have a gender role and oppose societies rules, especially if you weren’t encouraged by your immediate surroundings. Deciding to live differently to what you used to know feels like falling without a parachute.

I know it’s okay. I’m my own person, I rarely fit in with the norm in regards to opinions, and even if I can’t find many people that are interested in these important subjects, or even if they agree with any sort of suppression, I can be confident in my thoughts.

Same goes with my dreams. I know what I’m capable of, and others have no reason to believe in me if they haven’t seen a reason to yet. I have to be my own safety net, my own comforter, my own fan girl. Otherwise I’ll get into dangerous territory of giving up the magic and hope.

Funnily enough, as I was typing ‘my boyfriend is a feminist’ he started laughing in his sleep. I woke him up to find out why and it was because he was dreaming that he was watching women’s football and I said in it ‘I hate that term women’s football, it’s just football.’

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