Knot

It’s not my knot
It can’t be
It doesn’t feel like home
Some perpetrator has nested into my body
Gathered the broken twigs of stuff I’ve known
Assembled a cosy back story
And haunts me with it
Without permission or permit.

It’s not sorry
It has set up shop and is doing very well, actually
For itself
It is not on my side
It is not me, it is just in me
As trapped as I am, it feels free
As free as a new born bird can feel
Waiting for its next meal.

It takes over all actions inside
Locked into place with its spiky exterior
My organs cushioning it, comforting it
Taking commands
From what’s senior
But I feel so small, this thing which is a tiny knot
Screams it’s demands
And who shouts the loudest is heard
So maybe this dark and deep void
Isn’t that absurd.

It must enjoy sitting on my chest all day
Sucking air out of my lungs, making my head spin
Sending confusing thought to my brain
Lounging at a huge control panel
Constantly switching the buttons
While myself is trying to tune into the right channel
And my body fights
I want to control it
I want to own myself
Not this thing that is not me
This thing which has turned my body
More into its home than mine.

It is too heavy, too weighted for me to lift out
Yet it acts weightless, floating in the middle of my airless doubt
Suspended
Defying anything I thought possible
Which makes sense
As this knot feels unsolvable.

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