Although I have the new year spirit animal bounding inside, a new chapter (and all that), it is only a coincidence that this is when my therapy has come up. I was put on the waiting list at the end of November but it coming up now was perfect timing really, it’s like the therapy Gods were watching over my life and just knew what was going on.
A boring brief back story is that I suffer with anxiety and depression. I had CBT therapy on the NHS two years ago which worked wonders with my social anxiety, and now I am having it again but mainly for my health anxiety and lack of umph in my life (which is probably the depression). I’m documenting and sharing my thoughts after because a) I like projects and documenting, b) I did it last time and it helped me, and c) it might help others?
SO, after my first session I wrote a few things down in my notebook.
Here are my thoughts 6/1/17
I feel positive about today. Hopeful. Not a lot happened, we didn’t dive in deep.
I could be mixed up because I had an okay day altogether. Maybe I feel good about just getting out in general. I love just being in the car with my partner with the radio on and I’ve only been in a very select few places for the last two weeks. Plus something new is always nice. Even if that something new involves tears and snotting in front of a stranger.
A different start to this therapy than my last. A different structure, a different feel, a different me probably. No, definitely. Not much anxiety about going there this morning other than the shits, but I file that problem under ‘it’s a family thing’. If I could file more things under unchangeable things like genetics, whether true or not, I might get by easier.
It’s nice to be told it’s depression or anxiety doing things to your brain and that’s the reason there are question sheets you have to fill out is because WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IS COMMON. That question on a scale of 1 to 10 doesn’t exist because you personally feel like a bag of crap – but because it’s normal to feel like a crap bag. It’s still shit though, obviously.
Most of what I’ve written is positive, but one specific positive…
I liked the therapist. (Isn’t it difficult to look at ‘therapist’ without seeing The Rapist? Unrelated, of course, just being open and honest with my brain because THERAPY TELLS ME TO). But yeah, she was cool. I think it’s going to be okay.
We didn’t dive deep like I said. I understand why, don’t get me wrong, this is the first 50 minutes of a potential 300+. This was the introduction, as she fully stated. I can’t help but think I had more to say, but even now trying to think what that was.. I still don’t know what was missing. I’m sure through out the week things will pop into my brain and I’ll write them down for next time.
Maybe I don’t see which path I need to go down yet, because there’s never a singular problem is there? Let’s be real. Yeah, maybe I was hoping for an answer to my thoughts, but realistically that’s my anxiety speaking. The whole reason I’m there, needing certain answers, is irrational. It’s interesting to notice when you aren’t writing from an objective stand point, or neutral view, but actually your anxious/mentally ill brain. Which you probably are most of the time? All of the time?
This isn’t a big negative anyway, this is just the start of therapy.
It’s always nice to let stuff out and cry. To be honest, I cry all the time. I don’t hold it in. I cry if I’m happy, sad, angry, tired, excited etc. Good luck dating me! I’m a big believer in therapy and it’s a shame people hesitate to have it (even me!) so I’m looking forward to the process and extremely hopeful for it to help me.
Now the last line sounds very fake and makes me want to throw up on myself, but I honestly meant it.