Written after my CBT therapy. As English lives are blanketed by snow at the moment it had to be over the phone rather than in person.
I’m not feeling much. This week has been a shit storm, which had come after a 4 month shit tornado. Needless to say my brain was a bad home, but therapy didn’t make it worse… a positive through all the fog?
There was a lot of information which really helped. I’m a sensitive car alarm basically. (My brain spews up imagery of me screaming a siren whenever anyone comes close. That doesn’t happen. Well, metaphorically it does.) My fight or flight instinct is all mixed up, and if I don’t start fighting off some bears before I go to bed, it totally makes sense why my panic attacks come just as I try to settle down. I’m basically ready for the bears all day. I have a feeling this is only making sense to myself – which is okay.
We spoke about which route to go down first – so which one is troubling me more and would be good to tackle now. Health/general anxiety. There seems to be a plan in place which makes me feel hopeful.
My home work is to do a panic diary, to rationalise my panic attacks – try to understand symptoms of anxiety e.g. my body is responding to my fight or flight instinct. To give me an alternative explanation. Not during one OBVIOUSLY but she made it sound like eventually I’d be able to.
It’s making sense. When it’s laid out in front of you its not as confusing. I can see where my brain has gone wrong, and that it’s also not my fault. I’m not crazy! Phew! It’s frustrating convincing yourself you’re not crazy while not telling anyone what’s really going on in your mind.
Therapy on the phone – not my thing. Not anyone’s fault that England shuts down when it snows, the roads are a bloody nightmare, but I think I can still class it as a negative. My mind goes wandering and I always have trouble hearing like a little old lady. I think I have trouble with language in general but that’s probably my health anxiety diagnosing me with a few more things to round up the day with.
I didn’t cry… but should I cry? It’s because it wasn’t in person. But CBT is there to give me tools to help me, not counselling. I did well up talking about my problems this week. Wow, what a hell of a 4 months.
I dunno? Yeah. Just yeah.