Written after my CBT therapy
I feel very clear headed. Without wanting to sound so pretentious – but warning future Emily, it’s going to sound like it anyhow – I feel like I’m on the right path. I say this with confidence because a couple of years ago the same thing happened, I felt like this, and then The Power of Now worked its magic on me and I was cured! Hallelujah! Well, not quite so rose tinted and I’m not that naive. Otherwise I have further to fall. Ups and downs, yes, but there’s something different happening too.
I had been practising mindful techniques the last two weeks and although I’ve had a hard time in general sometimes it was almost like I was a normal sad. Like a human sad that will smile again. I also had my depressed and anxious moments, a lot of them, but despite that I still feel like the overall feeling was neutral or positive. I suppose I understand what I mean, you know how your body and mind is dealing with things even if the word vomit doesn’t translate that.
I have to continue with rationalising my panic attacks and also create a diary about my practical worries I have. That means worries that have solutions, like in my case my bedroom being a shit tip gets to me, solution; tidy it. Then that worry has gone. Obviously not as simple as that – for instance I don’t have a wardrobe at the moment, so where do I hang clothes? – hence creating a diary to fit it in (side note: actually bought a wardrobe today. I’m doing it, I’m doing it!). Then if I worry about my room, like right this instance, I can say to myself that I have fit in that on Sunday so no need to worry.
I also have to address my hypothetical worries, which shit fuck yeah, where do I start? I have to write them down when they arise , then focus on the moment and things outside of myself and imagine the worries passing by. I think she even said tell yourself you’ll look back at that later, then when you do you may not worry as much and notice it’s irrational.
It’s just new routines and practice.
I feel positive, and that’s a huge positive. I want to do stuff. I want to do Headspace and mindful stuff. I want to walk to clear my head. I want to even go outside of my comfort zone.
I can’t think of one. It was very much a conversation this week, felt like a collaboration.
I’m really trying and I’m really proud of myself. That is all.