I travel, I plant, I paint (mainly walls), I scoot, I tie dye, I write

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Written after my CBT therapy

Thoughts 24/2/17

When one thing is seemly cured and another thing rears its ugly head. That’ll be the title of my biography.. nah, I’m being dramatic. For a start I’m not cured obviously – even though after every session my boyfriend asks ‘cured?’, and every time I lol. Like a broken record, like a dad joke, and I love it. I feel good that my health anxiety is getting better even if other anxieties or whatever are coming out. It’s confusing I suppose, but I see it as one thing is being dealt with so lets look at this problem now, and it’s better if all these shit storms come out now rather than when therapy is ended and I feel like a lost puppy unable to deal with the rottweiler of the world.

The therapist has said she will teach me how to deal with any problems myself for when I finish CBT altogether, which is really good to know.

Although I primarily write these for me, I am aware of the difficulty in not wanting to share too much of my current problems in my blog. It’s quite interesting really, because it shows what I deem personal or what makes me feel vulnerable. I’d happily talk about my health anxiety like there’s no tomorrow. You can know that I convince myself I’ve got cancer (the norovirus, having a heart attack, an unheard of rare disease etc) every day but the truth about me being a failure..? Hmm, it’s something I can’t easily discuss. Maybe in the future.

To analyse myself more, its probably because there is no evidence I have cancer, and my logic knows I don’t have it even if I’m having a panic attack, but there’s no evidence of me not being a failure. Everything currently in my brain points in that direction. Anyway, you can get the gist with out me needing to go that far into it.

So this week there were tears again. Almost like going back to the beginning when I felt hopeless and confused. I said to the lady that because my anxiety is getting better I’m more myself again (from what I wear to how I am currently decorating my bedroom), and I think that’s why this ‘failure’ thing is coming out. Feeling like I shouldn’t be myself, it’s not good enough. I so want to delete those last lines. I do have different opinions/style/ideas than those around me, and I’m aware that’s okay, but there’s a repression that I need to push though – and that I most likely put on myself.

She explained that growing up we learn rules of life, and when things oppose those rules we get confused – her example, you could be taught to always be nice to people and then someone is horrible to you and you feel bad, but that person could have been taught something different to you. I can’t remember how she worded it exactly, but I took it as we are told how to live by our environment and parents/family, and when you grow up you realise your rules/morals/how to live might not be the same as anyone else’s, not even your families. I assume everyone goes through this so I’ll be interested to know how I can stop this effecting me negatively.

Positive

My health anxiety is doing fantastic. I didn’t google any symptoms for two weeks, and I don’t think I asked for reassurance. My score sheets are getting lower. High five me. People have noticed how much happier I am too.

Negative

I didn’t get tools for this latest blip, but I’m really clutching at straws here trying to find a negative – I know you need more time to learn tools to deal with your shit, 50 minutes won’t do. The truth is I really like therapy.

Closing thoughts

After a somewhat negative word vomit, therapy is going well. It’s made me sort my room out (and now I’m reading The Life Changing Magic Of Tidying by Marie Kondo, and thrown out so much stuff – this is massive for me). I did voice my concerns that I’m worried that once my room is finished my health anxiety will get worse again because I’m not so busy, but she simply pointed out that I want to do lots of stuff so I’ll be doing that next. Like dur, right?! I was scared that I’ll have to keep busy for the rest of my life just to keep my anxiety at bay, but after she said that I realised is that such a bad thing?

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