Written after my CBT therapy
I helped a friend with stripping their walls, I also tidied my bedroom a little bit more. That was my week. Like a rock star. I’m doing that ‘try to be busy all the time’ thing, except when it’s not realistic and my brain is like ‘NO! I don’t wanna!’, but that’s going fine. Why can’t people say ‘fine’ without it sounding like a tantrum. It was fine, it was okay. I’m pretty neutral most of the time at the moment – and I prefer that to being overly happy or sad. I checked for reassurance that I wasn’t ill a few times, then after realised and told myself off. BIG side note from this weeks therapy: don’t tell yourself off. Be kind to yourself.
I wrote down some of my random positive and negative thoughts this week, to analyse them and find out why some effect me negatively. I mean apart from it almost being an impossibly task so hard to judge, it would appear that my general life ponderings don’t harm me, but the ones focused on myself stab me in my mind and trigger low mood. An example, without giving an actual example, would be like about how I don’t remember anything from school and you’re always told school dictates the rest of your life – although I don’t believe it, others do, so does that make it true..?
We worked out the cycles my brain go in with thinking I’m a failure, which is why I feel hopeless and like it’s never ending. She then asked me what I deem as successful and failure. I have conflict with this, because I feel like society thinks failing is when you have a shitty job, live at home etc, but I think it’s when you have no dreams, no ambitions and no plans – so these two things argue all the time. Same with success, I think it is when you try, you don’t give up, you follow your ideas, but ‘normal’ success is having a good job in London, getting married etc. I find this conflict very confusing, and she just explained that it’s what we are taught vs what you believe. Phew, I assumed this but it’s nice when a professional confirms it.
We didn’t have time to go through the tools which will help me, so till next therapy I just have to be more kind to myself (and all the other things I’ve been taught). Like people have bitchy thoughts about others, mine are generally aimed at myself. It was good though this week. I do believe I say that every week. I always find it fascinating, plus it’s helping me.
She said something this week that really resonated with me – she may have said it before to be honest. It was something along the lines of all humans have positive and negative emotions in us, we were made that way. You have to feel them, our bodies wouldn’t be doing its correct job otherwise.
I’m a bit apprehensive for the next session in two weeks. Only because I haven’t analysed this part of myself much, only recently, so I don’t know everything. It’s not like there is one big thing that triggered it and it just snowballed from there, it seems to be lots of little bits from everywhere and we will be piecing it together. I suppose like I said in past posts, I think this part of me makes me vulnerable, more so than my health anxiety.
Although I’m worried, I have no need to be. Anxious thoughts, I’ll write it all out like I’m meant to for my hypothetical worries. It’s a good feeling still, knowing I’m going in the right direction and I wouldn’t have been able to get here without therapy. I feel very passionate at the moment in not making mental health a taboo subject – people just don’t want to talk about it. So many people hesitate in going to therapy and it makes me sad and even frustrated. My life is already so much better, so much so that other people are noticing. I know it’s hard to just do it, I hesitated, but just think that with these tools my life will be so much better! I could have been the same for years otherwise, maybe forever. Like I said, I would not have gotten here by myself and I wish others saw themselves as important enough to make that step.