I travel, I plant, I paint (mainly walls), I scoot, I tie dye, I write

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Written after my CBT therapy

Thoughts 17/3/17

Two weeks apart from my therapist and in that time my health anxiety didn’t go over board too much and other than feeling really low at points, I am pretty damn good. Like, my pretty damn good meant I did house work for the first time in (lets be honest here, no point lying) years. Years I’ve neglected doing anything remotely mature and responsible, but suddenly I understand cleaning. I even understand why some people like it. Well, now I sound like an expert cleaner and my surroundings are spotless. No. I’m still lazy. I’m still in a routine of not doing it, a horrible habit, but I’m starting and I’m training myself.

I discovered a lot in those two weeks that I hadn’t thought about before. I also almost came to a clarity of acceptance of things that cause me conflict. I don’t really want to go into it.

I think pretty low of myself, as became apparent when the therapist told me I’m important and I started to well up. Could that be any more dramatic? Oh well, I know the importance of being happy in myself and self love. That is actually one thing I keep thinking about recently, the importance in not placing your happiness onto other people and relying on them for joy. It was something I wasn’t aware of doing but now I am It Sucks, it’s not what I preach at all.

We spoke about my ‘rules’ and maybe they are too ridged. For instance I hate lying, I think everyone should be honest and live an open lifestyle. She asked if that’s a high standard for others and I said I don’t know because I do it naturally. Obviously others weren’t brought up like me and people are different anyway, so we are going to work on giving my rules some flexibility. I’ve always been a stubborn fuck.

I have a self compassion diary to do this week. I have to start with just being neutral (because being nice is too hard straight away) with myself, just in general. For example; I painted one wall in my room dark green and I know my parents are going to hate it, and it fills me with guilt. But it’s okay, I’m being myself and that’s okay. I’m being neutral. One day I’ll be like ‘I painted it green and I’m amazing!’ That’s what she meant right? Right?!

This actually got tested straight away, as I got out the car from therapy I dropped my phone and broke it. I cried for ages, I was so angry at myself. Perfect timing. I don’t break anything, but that’s always been one of my rules and one I’ve grown up with. Don’t break things. Take care of your belongings. I have such a strong memory of when I was really young, probably like 7, and I was really angry so I snapped a pencil in half. Then I was so upset because I couldn’t believe I broke something and I felt so bad and guilty and tried to stick it back together with cello tap. It was an accident though (the phone, not the pencil), obviously I didn’t want it broken, and it’s only a phone. I need to work on being neutral.

Positive

Therapy was on my wave length of thinking this week. Is most weeks to be honest, or every week, but it’s like seeing the clarity in the foggy thoughts.

Negative

I only have two sessions left.

Closing Thoughts

I really want to think more positively about myself. The thing is I really like myself, I do, so why do I think so low of myself? The guilt of being who I am is overwhelming sometimes but I gotta keep on keeping on.

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