Written after my CBT therapy
There’s a break in me. I’ve had the strange experience of thinking of things I’ve never thought about before, which is understandable because who in their spare time thinks of their own ‘rules’ of life? I actually love to analyse and I’m pretty aware of the reasons I am the way I am when it comes to mental health problems but I just assumed I was more free flowing. It doesn’t make sense that I would be that free, obviously everyone’s brains try to understand the world around them and therefore make decisions and rules. I understood the concept when it was explained to me in past sessions but I suppose it’s finally hit the nail on the head this time and in a loss of words; it’s broken a part of me. I hate control so maybe it’s the realisation that we are controlled by our environment. That I’m part of the system.
This is all negative thinking, which obviously goes in hand with what I’m feeling but it’s not all negative. My inner monologue isn’t moaning, she’s neutral. (This may actually be me being nicer to myself, which is something I’m practising) It’s more like I’ve lived in a room and believed I’m free then found out there was a secret door in the wall. A bit like the film ‘Divergent’ I suppose. And probably many other films. ‘Truman Show’. I’m tired right now.
Walking to work at 6am last week I had a bit of a revelation with my ‘rules’. I wrote it all down on my phone and we discussed it in therapy. I won’t go into much detail because there’s just no need, but it hit home how this rules cause conflict in my life. I have high standards. There I said it. These high standards form such a strong structure around me and restrict so much. This is where my guilt comes from, this is why I don’t try, there’s too much pressure for me to do good, so I just don’t. I give up. Unless it’s something separate from other people – I have secret hobbies that are untarnished from this rule. But these high standards can be anything from success to how people should live, and at the end of the day I’m the one feeling a pain when these standards aren’t met. My logic doesn’t really believe them but they still exist and control me. So at 6am I realised ‘I need to change my rules’.
It’s an unfamiliar feeling and slightly crushing but it also feels necessary. We tried to write out my rules in a full sentence but I couldn’t work it out, my brain went into over drive. It was just something that hadn’t crossed my mind, it feels like we are all brainwashed no matter what. Anyway, we got there and we worked out a more flexible rule to replace it with which shouldn’t cause as much distress if it was broken. I have to fill out the rest of the form before next session.
Like I said, it’s like a rock has loosened from my cave wall and suddenly there’s light. It’s interesting.
I came out feeling crap. Not be to too dramatic but I thought I was one thing but maybe I’m not? My brain keeps playing old memories to when I was confused at who I was as a child, and it’s making me question who I am now. This being said, I’ve met myself with no conflict before. I know Emily, I can’t use 6 year old Emily memories as a reference but I’m a bit disconnected at the moment.
I need to continue the usual tools, which seem to be going okay. I’m also dealing with this negativity okay, I’m not freaking out. I’m just more quiet and contemplative.
Only problem is that next week should be my last session, but she has requested for a few more. Even if it is the last one, I’ve learnt a lot. It’s been so helpful.