I travel, I plant, I paint (mainly walls), I scoot, I tie dye, I write

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Written after my CBT therapy

Thoughts 31/3/17

For the first time after therapy there is no initial thought on the session. I usually have a thought process, which may have nothing to do with what we spoke about but it’s led me there and so I run with it. I give my brain free rein and let it go down whatever path it wants. I suppose this time the whole ‘subject matter’ is that there isn’t one.

Usual things: therapy was okay but hard. Usual advise: hard is necessary. The first half of my week was spent in a daze and feeling broken, then the next half was me feeling stronger being myself. Perfect example why hard is necessary. I do feel a lot more confident.

There not being much thought may mean that we have come to the end now. Next week is my last one but that’s not what I meant. Just that she’s given me all the tools and I need and her job is done. Every day feels better being myself, of course the ups and downs still feel terrible but like she’s said before (and I’ve said on here before) we are meant to feel all our emotions, that’s why they’re there, it’s what we are built for. What more is that I’m having the right thoughts now. ‘Right’ in the sense of what I consider the ‘real me’. I’m doing stuff I like and living the life I want. Still a struggle telling myself that it’s okay but I feel okay.

Positive

I’ve been better this week at being compassionate towards myself. I understand that everything I’ve learnt is something I have to keep practising.

Negative

There wasn’t a lot to talk about this week but like I said its probably because we are naturally coming to an end.

Closing Thoughts

I don’t have any. I don’t have many. I think it’s more of a ‘I’m being present at this moment’ kind of thing. I don’t really have lots of negative feeling in me, and when you feel okay or even happy you don’t often dwell on it do you? It’s like when you try and write a poem and it’s much easier to write a sad one, maybe an unrelatable example. You don’t really see people smiling in paintings? A more relatable one? My point is that sadness has more depth, when it comes to feelings. I don’t actually feel sad right now.

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