I travel, I plant, I paint (mainly walls), I scoot, I tie dye, I write

I get in this assumption that with time passing I must be more wise and, for lack of a better word, ‘better’. I don’t know what the better is and it’s not as much pressure as it used to be – as been figured out recently I have some high standards. I think it’s at a healthy level now, it’s just me hoping that I’m trying at whatever I’m doing/interested in at that moment. Saying this I caught myself out today when I was watching some YouTube video from December and I naturally assumed it wouldn’t be as good at this YouTubers latest vlogs. Four months have passed since then (but I had to think about that anyway because it went by so fast) and my natural reaction was off putting because this YouTuber is ‘better’ now at her craft than a third of a year ago, yeah? No. Possibly, but nothing works like that. It’s not black and white is it, Emily? Who am I to judge her anyway? I don’t know her and the vlog was good, entertaining, inspiring, and my initial reaction to the date had nothing to do with the quality of the vlog, so does she need to change anyway? I don’t really feel like I’ve changed a lot in four months. Still, I wouldn’t go back to past me. Not even yesterday.

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Example that time can mean nothing in my life, an actual real life example; I absolutely love The Beatles. Favourite band. I just googled it and their first song was released 55 years ago. It’s been 48 years since my favourite song, Here Comes The Sun.

Progress is good but adding time into the mix isn’t.. always.. for me. You can get into a cycle of just wanting more and not even realising your successes. New isn’t always better, it’s a lot more complicated than that. Maybe my environment has taught me to automatically think ‘this is so old! It was made in December!’, when really time is irrelevant on the worth.

At the same time I’m totally guilty for assuming I’ve achieved nothing too, when in retrospect I have. I can’t compare myself to others my age and what they’ve achieved but in my little bubble of the world I’ve gotten better. Better to what? I don’t know, but I’m proud of my timeline. So here are some good things that have happened these past four months, in my bubble;

started work after time off sick – and now settled in

started CBT therapy

leaps and bounds better

did a blog post about each session

learnt a lot in therapy in general and feel good about it

painted my bedroom (and ignored any judgements about the colours)

helped with painting at my pregnant best pals house

threw out so many of my belongings

sold clothes on ebay, sold DVDs, cashed in my pot of coins (nearly £100)

joined a gym

use the gym

started to plan a road trip

socialise so much more

started writing a new book

started writing in my old diary again

waking up at a normal time

got a lot more into music

starting reading books again

doing housework (this one is huge)

I’m dancing around the house again

did more drawings

I feel happy right now.

 

 

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