I travel, I plant, I paint (mainly walls), I scoot, I tie dye, I write

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Packing started with a debate on whether my boyfriend would lower himself to drinking instant coffee. He won’t. So who won the argument? We have packed both instant and ‘coffee in a tea bag’.

This is the part where you may question why we would pack tea, coffee, cereal bars and granola. Other than me romanticising nipping to the local shops to buy yogurts every morning and mixing in the granola in the car just before we drive to our next destination, its practical right? I don’t think I’ve ever eaten it more than maybe 5 times in my life, so why, Brain, do you decide to day dream of something like that? It’s a little ridiculous even for my standard. I look to the past and future like they’re music videos but don’t do it to the present. This apparent sequence is us living desperately, having a hand full of dried fruit granola a day, then pointing at monuments and laughing and joking. I’ve actually managed to control that day dreamer side of me a little bit. Just rein it in because it’s not exactly a good quality.

Packing also consisted of my boyfriend filling up the suitcase with his big heavy clothes, me getting stressed and throwing them at him. He then laughed at me and I desperately tried to stay angry but ended up cracking a smile while re-folding them.

I’m sure it’s normal to feel this stressed before travelling when you aren’t sure what’s in store. I feel like it’s reduced me to half the person I usually am because I’m so busy thinking – not doing – about redundant things that I haven’t been able to be there for friends or family or the usual day to day things. I still care, obviously, otherwise what else is there to live for? I’ve been distant which isn’t a great thing, but sometimes I feel great pressure putting myself out there. At the moment when I have a really relaxed time around people and it’s very natural and any laughter is real rather than forced – that’s my jam. I may be a clown but clowning about all the time just isn’t possible. I just realised, this second, that I’m putting myself above others and that is so foreign to me. That is the difference. I don’t have the energy or time for anything else right now. Wow, things are never as bad as they seem. It’s good.

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