Thoughts from the bath – the big 2.6.

James: ‘I know everything for this van will go your way because you’ll be like ‘but on YouTube they did this, on YouTube they did that,’ and I’ll be like ‘I want a hammock.’ ‘No, no, no, no you need a 7 point pin clicking one and a bed at a 7 degree angle that only opens on Tuesday’s if the full moon is out because it saves 2.5cm when you’re shitting.’ That’s what you’ll be like.’

I’ve thrown around the idea of living in a van for a while. Here’s the suggestions from James of what jobs we could do while living on the road ;

  • Pimp and his prostitute
  • man with a van
  • freak show
  • burglars. Specifically cat burglars
  • clean drive ways
  • bandits
  • land pirates

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Satisfaction. This word keeps floating around in my brain and popping up at really inconvenient times. What will satisfy me right now? What will satisfy me in the future? What would satisfy my partner? Now it sounds like we are talking about sex but I’m not, I just don’t know how else I can word that.

I turned 26 yesterday. Age meant nothing to me, notice how I write in the past tense? Since yesterday I’ve had an ‘oh, shit, where has that time gone?!’ moment. I know others have it, one of my best friends is always in shock of her age. I was always pretty chill about it. When my sister was 26, 5 years ago, she seemed so old and so far away. I’m not where I saw her at. Not that it was a goal to be like that, it’s just strange that you reach unreachable goals and you realise it’s all completely different.

I joked all day that I was turning ‘the big 2.6.’ only because it’s not a 21st, it’s not a 30th, it’s 26. Closer to 30 than 20 but still a bit in limbo. And I feel like that’s me to a T. A bit in limbo.

Have I done enough? I don’t know. From my prospective, no, but others may say yes. But at the end of the day it’s a no. Nope. You have a lot more in you. (This is a pep talk, encase you haven’t caught on. I literally only have right this second.)

When I came back from my road trip I tried and still am trying ways to get out of this slump. It’s specifically a slump about not travelling. It put into prospective how much I want to change things in my life. What I want to do to feel how I like to feel. Feelings are important to me, I have a lot of them.. Probably the same amount as you.. Just knocking my ego back down. Unfortunately it’s brought up how much I can’t live how I want or live any life that’s progressed from where I am now without money. You can’t go down any path any more without a lot of money, it’s a dead end. Gone are the days where you could have a ‘normal job’ but still be able to buy a house. You need a lot of money.

Money.

I hate money. I don’t think it’s just people without it that hate it. Let me know?

There’s too much of a system for me. I’m not a system person. It’s fine if you don’t mind it, follow what was set out for us all. Personally though, I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to rent or buy a house. I’m not afraid of hard work to get there, that’s not it. I just want something different. As my Mum said, I live to play. (Which doesn’t mean no work! Writing, blogging, being artistic is play. Work can be play.)

There’s things about being an Adult (notice the capital A. I’ll be an adult – little a) that I don’t like and I’m resentful that you have no choice. Yes that sounds millennial but yes I’m just being honest.

All the time people talk about being mortgage free. Mortgage free everything. That’s the goal for Adults. Mortgage free. The dream. Cool. I don’t want a mortgage or to rent. To me it sounds like rent (and waste your money and have no life outside of that and not enough money to save to buy a place (been there)) or buy (and put a ridiculous amount of money into a property that you’ll be paying off for the rest of your life while watching programs about how to be mortgage free (haven’t been there but sounds yucky and seems impossible with England today)). Then this is the part where my depression likes to jump in like ‘Surprise motherfucker!’ from Dexter.

This is where my thoughts are unconventional. Why not live in a van? Mortgage free. Live on land you can’t build on with it. Don’t follow the same route as others. Someone once told me I couldn’t make my own route, that proper bummed me out. Not because I believed her but because she didn’t believe in me.

All I can conclude as this water is getting cold is that I have to save. That’s all I can do right now. I want a plan of some sort but that’s not possible. You hate money but you need it. Just save.

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Fixing what’s unsatisfactory

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Creating meaningful surroundings is important to me. I’m not a designer of any sort. I don’t have rules… I purposely like to kid myself that I’m breaking rules but I have no clue, I could be following a rule book unbeknown to me.

That’s what I was doing today. Concentrating on my room. It’s not done, this is where I’m up to. Everyday I view my surrounds as something to decorate, I suppose that’s just a creative mind, but I don’t always act on the urge, hence this post. There is a need in me to fix everything to what I find pleasing though.

I wonder why when something is important to me, like decorating and styling, I don’t become more knowledgeable on it but rather I allow it to be what it is. It’s an natural interest, I like stuff, but at the same time I am particular on what I have. I like to collect things from different places, I like to make things, I don’t need my possessions to scream what interests I have but I like them to portray my personality. That’s why it’s homely to me. That’s why I feel comfortable in my room.

And how does pleasing me work? How do I ‘find’ what is pleasing? I suppose, I say reluctantly, that must come down to some sort of rule – the juxtaposition of the objects. It’s like pretty faces are usually symmetrical. I don’t know. I’m just not sure, there’s probably a science behind it. With people who are Doctors. Hello, I’m a Doctor of Style. You wouldn’t believe them though, would you. You’d just think they’re being cocky.

My room is divided into two categories; things I’m satisfied with and things I’m not. I wasn’t aware of this till recently and all it comes down to when I have a feeling that something isn’t right. Which is an okay problem, I suppose, but it occurred to me that I could just fix them. Anything that gives me a sinking feeling just correct it till I’m all chill inside.

That’s obvious isn’t it. When you live in a space you don’t often see that though.

So here I am fixing what doesn’t satisfy me and I’ll update you in the future whether these changes have worked.

shelving

IMG_0857 1covering the sides

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bed side table

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shelves

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This is where I kind of gave up and had a walk, food and a bubble bath. I’m an easily distracted creature. This one was a tough one though. I still don’t think it’s right but I think I’m done playing for today so I’ll sit on it a bit and see if my dissatisfied senses tingle.

It does look kind of cute. It’s growing on me already.IMG_2916

 

The sun came out this evening, finally

Over the years I’ve documented this field and my walks in it. I walked it in slippery mud, in crops taller than me, read The Power Of Now in it, collected things found and, as you could imagine, lost weight. I haven’t been since I joined the gym, which is a bloody shame really, but this evening with nothing to do and the sun suddenly shining after a dreary day, I went for a glorious stroll on my own. Glorious.

I didn’t plan on taking photos but I can never help myself with this field. I only had my phone though. What a good way to end a day.

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Quotes for me and pottery

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You need to be tested.

Sentences pop into my brain every once in a while which sums up what I’m feeling or even advice for getting through it. It’s almost like there’s someone else in here with me that just points something out which steers me in the right direction. There isn’t a little man in here though, it’s an a culmination of all my thoughts jumbled up then like on Count Down it’s my job to find the words. It’s a little dose of clarity I need every once in a while.

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Other thoughts I’ve had the past week or two that were so strong I had to write down;

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Don’t become stagnant.

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Exercise is the baseline for some stability.

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You feel like you have so much to offer the world so why aren’t you offering it?

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Always try.

The conflict of ironing..

..which would seem irrelevant to me because I don’t iron. None of my clothes are ironed, nor my Mums and I’m sure my Nan has told me she hates it so has cut back or stopped. What’s the point then, Emily, what’s the thoughts today?

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It’s a pretty simple one, just that whether people are happier who iron. I often contemplate now today’s generation are so used to getting things instantly, you don’t have to wait. I said to someone the other day that I miss the TV being on when I was young but not watching it because I was waiting a few hours for something, meanwhile I would get on with something important like playdough or barbies. That’s a weird thing to miss but I look back at that and feel relaxed, comforted and it’s just simple. Having anything at my finger tips, having entertainment whenever I want, only means that when it comes to meaningless tasks I am totally put off them because it’s not stimulating enough.

Now it’s balancing itself a little bit, in my opinion. Mindfulness is popular, meditation, people preach digital detoxes, everyone loved kindle and now people prefer books again, the Nokia 3310 is back, minimalism, record players.

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So I wondered if something like ironing is a therapeutic task that keeps you grounded. I completely right it off because I think that I don’t want to waste my time doing something I don’t like. Doesn’t that sound so privileged? Doing things like housework are normal, why do I expect a more adventurous lifestyle than that? I want extraordinary, ironing doesn’t fit the cut.

I don’t believe I’ll want anything less than an adventurous life, I’ve always been like it, I just like to play. I do think it’s possible, I think you can live whatever life you want to live. Exceptions of course, I’m not exactly living how I would like to completely but I understand it’s a process anyway, and that part (being on a journey) is part of my ‘dream life’. So really I’m exactly where I would like to be, because I’m not ready to be anywhere else. My life has to be my dream life by this theory, no matter how shitty or amazing it is currently. Also I have the mindset that I desire, even though I’m not climbing a mountain I have that mindset when I’m climbing the o2 (if you haven’t done it, nothing in common with a mountain) (still recommend it). It’s not a ‘more and more’ mentality, not constantly unsatisfied and wishing, this is where my thought process could become foggy for someone that doesn’t know me. I don’t expect anything from life and I’ve never liked the thought of hand outs. I think its more just try your best, be satisfied, have fun and choose what you want to waste time over – not what you think you should waste time doing.

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My Mum is always trying to find short cuts with menial tasks. That’s kind of her thing. I get it, I don’t want to wash up really, I don’t want to sort my things, I don’t want to iron. Since de-cluttering, though unfortunately still doing it, housework isn’t such a big job. Maybe that is the answer. If you only have four plates and you wash them straight away it’s not that bad, I’ve even enjoy some organising when there isn’t as much to do. Another option is to live a disposable life? I don’t agree with being wasteful but I could have paper cups and plates. Or, and the most attractive option to me, never own a house, live on the road. That’s me romanticising.

These are all ponderings. I have the outlook that if you don’t like doing something you shouldn’t feel like you have to do it. At the same time I have a tendency to go off in my head and live along my wild ideas and plans (is that a bad thing?) and doing something simple like watering my plants (which I bloody love so maybe a bad example) brings me back down to Earth.

I’m not going to iron to see if I like it. I will stick to creased clothes. I still work hard at writing or some DIY I’ve got going on but I don’t want to work hard at stupid things that I can’t for the life of me rationalise. It opened my mind to what we possibly should do though, to keep ourselves grounded and human. So shortcuts are a good thing, I agree with them, but just like finding that balance with how much technology you consume in a day, I think some things should stay old school. I will water my plants by hand, not any fancy contraption, but I won’t iron.

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Climbing the o2 but really nothing about it

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The impossible task of trying to make my day interesting enough to read! It actually infuriates me how difficult I find it to write about my day to day things. Most of my life my way to express myself has been writing. Stories, diaries, poems. Seemingly endless piles of notebooks and endless categories for what each notebook has in (which has proven to be the hardest to sort through in my The Life-Changing Magic Of Tidying Up binge). It’s important to me at the end of the day. I know what I can write about easily and what I struggle with. So the question today is whether I keep at what I’m ‘good’ at, which is ramblings, simply put, or try to write about my day?

So when I was 16 I started writing a book then when I started writing a journal every entry was addressed to my main character in that book – so ‘Dear….’ – and I even write in it now. Every once in awhile I skim through it, it’s interesting to see where I was at a few years ago etc, but any entries that are about an actual day are so boring. It’s a diary, that’s fine. No one is reading it (I fucking hope!) (I actually don’t let anyone go through any of my notebooks, unless I give permission to a page) so it doesn’t have to be entertaining. It’s not for that, it’s not even to read back one day. I’ll more likely to burn them than read them. Point being, writing about the day sucks.

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Now, do I do it wrong? I have a very bad memory in general so that could be a factor. Actually, that is a huge factor, I say like that isn’t obvious. I had a great day on Thursday, and although I remember bits because it happened yesterday to me writing this, I couldn’t write down the jokes and laughter in a clear or entertaining way. Unless I write a script for my day;

James                     Was you listening to that?

Emily                     No

James                    That’s it, I’m not helping you!

Emily                    How do I get the clip off?

Instructor            I’ll show you

James                   No! She needs to learn to listen!

Emily                   Teachers pet

 Emily takes the clip off perfectly and sticks up her middle fingers at James. Everyone laughs.

No? Probably not. It always translates into a ‘you had to be there’ moment. Also I can’t really remember any banter aimed at me that bigged up my boyfriend’s ego instead and not mine. If he wrote this, though his memory is as bad as mine, he’s script would probably be completely different. I’m actually thinking for a moment of a time he won at the joke (which let’s be honest, he’s funnier).. He told the photographer that he wanted the photos alone without me *everyone laughs*. Then she actually asked him if he wanted it alone.

It’s funny actually how our memories of a day differ based upon how we felt. It’s like when you have that awkward moment of asking your partner ‘what’s your favourite memory of us?‘ then it’s completely different to your own and then you get grumpy but you’re ‘fine, I’m fine!‘ then you both sit in silence for a while, then you work out your period is due and it actually is fine because it was also a nice memory? Oh PMS, fights caused because of you stay in my memory. And stay in my elbow. (Long boring story, but no I wasn’t hitting anyone, and yes it’s been over a month and it still hurts.)

It’s not exactly a problem not being able to write about adventures, you don’t have them to tell other people. Wait, yeah there are people out there like that, and if they do it well good on them. If writing isn’t the best format for that – even though you think it would be – I could use other mediums but at the end of the day, I don’t want to. It’s okay that I can’t document as well as I want to. I know I had a great day, and the memories will fade but happy days make up a fulfilling life.

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Thoughts After Therapy #11 The Final One

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Written after my CBT therapy

Thoughts 7/4/17

Today feels like a celebration. I don’t feel like I have anything negative to write because it literally feels like I’ve just finished school – in a good way, not like ‘yay, no more school!’ more like a ‘yay, I got through it but isn’t it sad it’s over!’ way. The elation right now, surely I’ve felt this for things other than finishing school but I can’t think what.

Today was simply a recap, like preparing me for the future – wait, did I actually just finish school?! I feel like I learnt more important things than school. Oh snap, Mr Harrison just got burnt! See? Totally on a high about it. I’m at a party in my mind. Anyway.. we spoke about ways to prevent relapse. I have to check in on myself, see how I feel and if anything is wrong nip it in the bud with the tools I’ve learnt. I had to write down a summary for myself of things I’ve learnt and stick it up somewhere as a little reminder. There is fear about the future, I’m apprehensive therapy is over, it’s scary being thrown back into the big bad world and it’s up to you to make sure you stay okay. I don’t like pressure, that’s probably it, and now I have to do things on my own and look after myself.

Oh my God, now this is going to sound crazy (well, I did just have therapy.. ) but this whole time I’ve been singing a song in my head. Just realised it’s The Long and Winding Road by The Beatles. My brain is being dramatic without my say.

Anyway, therapy, lets chat about therapy as a whole as this is the last post. Not the techniques but the impact. It has helped me in ways I didn’t even think it would (I’m listening to that song while writing this now, I recommend you do it). She asked me if I got what I wanted from it and I said I got so much more. I hoped that my health anxiety would get better, I hoped to be able to control my worrying and panic attacks but I didn’t think everyday Emily would feel this different. That may be where the being compassionate to myself part comes into play. I’m so much more comfortable and confident. I think it’s put me on a journey, it’s given me a nudge and I’ve had many revelations and questions pop up, unrelated to therapy, but has brought more joy to my life. I am an ideas person, I make stuff, and it has pulled that need in me out even more. A need to do exactly what I want to do. Little things have happened too like I’ve realised I’m definitely an outdoors person, I get more joy from being outside, or being more accepting of people. I’ve learnt the importance in not concentration too much on myself and how I feel, but concentrate on my life, not other peoples life. Also to not place your happiness onto other others. Now, I’m practising what I’ve always preached.

It’s hard to write things like this without the cheese oozing out but I genuinely mean it. I am so glad and I am so proud of myself.

It’s actually strange to think of how I was. In the beginning God created Heaven and the Earth, and then my health anxiety. I would go to bed thinking I was dying, convinced I was dying. I was so mad at myself being that way. I was so sad. But now when my health anxiety pops up? I accept that my thoughts are going a little bit crazy, I ride out the panic with a neutral, unenthusiastic ‘oh, okay, this is happening,’ then when it’s finished, it’s over. There’s highs and lows but it’s okay. I watch my thoughts pass by, where as I would let them consume my body before. It’s gone from my thoughts being piranhas to clouds in the sky. Sure there’s thunder and lightening but I’m not standing there with an umbrella, under a big tree on top of a hill.

The experience is different for all I’m sure. I do think a huge part is just being open to it. It sounds impossible, absurd and foreign. Talking about feelings is not an ‘English thing’, friends and family don’t even like to hear how you’re doing in therapy in detail. I’m quite an open minded person and I had therapy before so I just wanted it to work, there wasn’t much in me that didn’t think it wouldn’t. I know lots of people that have tried therapy and wrote it off early on. Obviously it depends on the therapist and I think I lucked out, she’s cool.

Today was good. When you feel good, things fit together. Bad things will happen in my life, that’s guaranteed, but all I can do is keep working on myself because it’s important. Then when a bad thing happens I deal with it in a healthy way, be ‘human sad’ as I call it, not ‘depression sad’. Before, when God made the Heaven and Earth etc, I knew there wasn’t any point to worrying about the bad things but couldn’t get out of the cycles I was spiralling in. I’m getting out of the spiral now and I’m not so dizzy and I’ve been smiling more.

Plus my boyfriend got me a bigger bag of lemon bonbons to celebrate. Not even joking, they’re going to last me a life time.

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