Reasoning

I’m going through a phase of needing quiet.

I suppose I need peace. But the next best thing is quiet.

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I struggle with the thought of ‘what’s the point in doing anything?’ Everything is trivial and meaningless really, once we die. I don’t say this to be a downer – though, naturally, it is a downer.

I fight this conflict all the time. It’s why some days I do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Maker:S,Date:2017-10-10,Ver:6,Lens:Kan03,Act:Lar02,E-ve

Today though I needed a walk in my favourite fields, to clear away the fog and cobwebs, and although it was freezing (literally freezing, it’s been snowing this week) it helped me hugely.

Just feeling the sun on my face.. it’s hard to explain. I don’t need to explain anyway.

I realised

there’s no point to anything but you can’t be happy doing nothing.

It’s simple, but as I’ve been realising recently, the best things are.

Maker:S,Date:2017-10-10,Ver:6,Lens:Kan03,Act:Lar02,E-ve

I’ve slacked on reading for a while now and to get back into it I started with some Roald Dahl. I then went onto The Secret Garden. The quote ‘where you tend a rose, my lad, a thistle cannot grow’ has stuck with me. So for two packages I’m sending to friends for Valentine’s Day I included a postcard of this quote that I drew, with a note on the back reminding them to keep the magic within them.

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What have you been up to? Looking after my mental health and cute penguins

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This week on whybut has been different. At first it annoyed me, not going to lie, but turns out how I want to be and how I am are two very different things.

I want to be clear headed 24/7 and able to do all the things I want, but I simply can’t.

I get low, then I get extremely happy, and then back down etc etc. And along with the ride I get so frustrated, I hate the numb days, I hate hopelessness, I want to be something else.

*You’re never going to be someone else*

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It’s too complex to go into, plus I can’t be asked.

I’m just being my own best friend, that’s all. And I love to comfort her with Sky Arts Landscape Artist of the Year and Jonathon Creek.

I obviously want to continue to fight the depression and anxiety, but I still need to be at peace with it – some days I can climb over it and sometimes I need to stay on the mountain and make it my home. It can’t be a negative anymore because it’s been years and years now and I should just accept it’s part of my path.

I have depression. I HAVE DEPRESSION! That’s fine.

Anyway, less suppression, more acceptance. That’s been my week.

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Along with it I’ve realised I can’t write out do to lists for future days, or plan it because when that day comes my mood might not want to do it – and I don’t need guilt on top of other negative feelings.

So this week my book has turned into an essential part of my working, but not with words – more like a pallet or backdrop.

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Still successful. I did stuff that was under each category – lifestyle, work and personal.

I made these wonderfully, weird penguin acorn caps, which I will be turning into baubles and will be up on my etsy soon.

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I also finished these two photo wall hangings – after the other two selling – and they are up on my etsy shop.

Other than that my bedroom is a shit hole, I’ve forgotten to clean my teeth today and I’m treating myself to a takeaway pizza tonight. Yipeeeee!

 

 

What you been up to? Self care, getting crafty and a whole load of photos in my ‘November’ album

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– Fetch a cup of tea before reading –

Week one and I can say my mind is calmer.

I suppose my ‘whybut’ idea is like a bullet journal, except it’s more random and messy – which suits me to a T. As soon as there are rules or too much structure I just walk away. I don’t want an empty space screaming ‘YOU DIDN’T FILL OUT MONDAY!’

I wrote down a list of things I want to do that week – under work, lifestyle and personal. Then each day I’d pick what I want to do (and added more) and wrote a separate to do list.

I didn’t do it every day this week, so by accident I have evidence how doing this cleared my mind and not only helped me be more productive – but made me feel satisfied. Which is all I want from this.

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It stayed on my desk, so it is technically unnecessary when it comes to lifestyle lists. Plus most of my lifestyle – socialising, going out – is impulsive. So this book will only be handy with lifestyle when it interlinks with one of the other categories. For example, pumpkin picking was lifestyle, but I wanted to do a blog post about it.

Enough about the book – lets sum up what I achieved for the first week.

Got most of my main lists ticked off.

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Made my bleached pine cone table name card holders – but more about that another time.

Finished up this Halloween idea which I can’t share till a years time. Which sounds so bloody awful but it’ll all make sense in January.

Less blog posts as usual, but I had a few bad mental health days – which comes under lifestyle and looking after myself.

Cleared my desk a little, but other than that I’m currently surrounded by mess. I can’t see it when I face the wall. Saturday isn’t over yet anyway.

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It is the 4th of November and I can proudly say my ‘work November 2017’ folder on my computer already has 210 photos in.

Made a tiny start on my rewrite of Chapter two of my book.

And, of course, James and I started Stranger Things season two.


 

In therapy I was taught to write out all my anxious thoughts when I have them. I’ve also heard the technique of talking to yourself, saying your problems out loud – just so it’s out of your head. Then you can start feeling a little better.

This is similar. I constantly think, mainly about things I want to be doing. Like I said in the original post, I often feel guilty when doing one thing and not another. Mindfulness and meditating would probably be handy for this, maybe that should be on my list this week.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that the days I wrote down what I want to do and could achieve, something lifted off my shoulders. It was out of my brain.

No one can do everything at once. I’m guilty of looking at the whole picture. I need to focus in, because nothing seems as such of a big task then.

It’s all alright really.

Thoughts on how I’ve embraced positive quotes

I’ve been quite open and honest with my mental health on here in the past, and with everything else in my life, I just go through phases of how much I tell people. At the moment I’m pretty quiet, which I’m not sure is better because do people assume I’m ‘cured’ because I’m not showing it as much? Does that even matter?

Even so, I may be screaming on the inside, just like others are, but I don’t feel like doing that on the outside.

This may be in relation of whether I allow my depression and anxiety to consume me or whether I’m fighting it more. Fighting in the sense of accepting when I feel crap but surrounding myself in happy things.

I have never been one for quotes, and more specifically positive quotes, they just felt.. fake. I hate fake and it felt like I was lying if I were to have something like that around me. I do like words, however, so I would hold onto thoughts I’ve had or things which would help – like ‘I’m okay’ or ‘One Day At A Time’, which I drew at the beginning of this year after therapy. Telling yourself just one day at a time works wonders!

(Which, past Emily, is a positive quote!) (Don’t tell her, she’d be mortified!)

Background

I think what’s changed is that I’ve allowed positive quotes to help me.

I don’t need more bad energy surrounding me, I’ve got enough of that in my brain. So what if it’s cheesy?! So what if these positive quotes isn’t how any of us are feeling?! It doesn’t mean it’s fake, it means your trying.

It’s the difference in someone telling you to just give up, life is hard, or to help yourself because it’s worth it.

There’s just too many dark paths to go down, all I can do is stick to a route that’s genuine to me but try and have that torch, that light to guide me.

Hold onto a crystal, re-read your favourite book, pray, listen to an album on repeat, cover your bedroom in fairy lights, go for long walks, cuddle your favourite teddy

or

embrace positive quotes.

Because you’ve just got to.

Cosy nights

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In desperation, my partner bought me Sleepy from Lush in hopes I’ll settle better of an evening. I’m in an awful routine – which has spanned my 26 years – of getting anxious at night, getting what I call ‘restless leg’ (like growing pains in my legs) and being just a pain in the arse. Then, what makes it worse for my partner, the next morning I wake up and forget all about it and get on with my day.

‘What a lovely/horrible day I’ve had,’ I ignorantly say to myself, ‘it’s been very productive/lazy, oh look nights creeping in..’

and BAMB!

Hello friend, remember me now?!

Yes I do! Why didn’t I do anything to stop this?!

It’s a bit like 50 First Dates, or, a bit darker, like that Black Mirror episode where the lady lives the real life nightmare each day because she committed a crime.. I don’t remember committing a crime.. but neither did she……

So, inspired by my new product, which rather excites me more than I should admit, I had a day of tidying my bedroom and making it all relaxing and lovely. ‘How can it take all day to tidy?’ I hear you cry, well it was in a pretty bad state, with it also becoming a somewhat office/studio recently. So it’s not even finished now but I’m okay with that.

What did I do to help me chill?

Self care and doing things I love. Rule number one. (Well rule number one is always that you don’t talk about Sleep Club, even though I am right now) but taking time for yourself is so important that I felt like I needed a Fight Club reference to get it across. Did it work?

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Lit my new candle. I just can’t resist not smelling candles in shops. Same with trying on hats. Instantly Christmas hit me in the nostrils and it’s not even a Christmas candle, which is even more perfect really because it meant it was on sale. And oh, feeling Christmasy is the best feeling! I can just lay there and let that feeling consume me. But then again that’s not going to help me sleep – think relaxing, Emily, rellaaxxx

If you’re as obsessed and excited by autumn, winter and Christmas as I am, give it a smell and see if you agree. And also I now have relax, don’t do it.. stuck in my head. Oh, and there’s Zoolander in there too. Yep.

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Had my Sleepy lotion. I think I need to have a box of night time lotions and sprays next to my bed at all times. It’s actually getting ridiculous how much I struggle. I’ll start my collection now, Sleepy is the first one.

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Fairy lights. Atmosphere, it’s important. Not to my boyfriend. Nor probably a lot of people, but I think it’s another rule. Let’s recap;

Rule 1: Do not talk about Sleep Club
Rule 2: DO NOT TALK ABOUT SLEEP CLUB
Rule 3: Take good care of yourself and do things that bring you joy
Rule 4: Create a nice atmosphere

And other than clean bedding – besides detracting me from the smell of the sleepy lotion, everyone loves clean bedding – and as many comforting films as I could manage, and a read of Harry Potter, that was pretty much my evening.

BUT to top it all off, the next morning when I left for work at 6am, whilst still feeling all cosy and happy, these were the sights presented to me which sent my heart aflutter for the coming season…

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Clearing my mind with the ocean and camping – Hemsby beach, Norfolk

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I am very happy to say I have visited many beaches this year. More beaches than I have ever done before in one year. It was never intentional, and I recon if I put it down as one of my Summer Goals it probably wouldn’t have happened. It just happened because it did. Which makes it even better actually.

It started with Dunkirk beach in April, then Newquay beaches in May, Hastings beach in June and now beaches in Norfolk. And how many of those times was the sun shining? I know that’s what a lot of people really care about. Only this trip to Norfolk, actually. But I suppose because none of these trips were ‘lets go to the beach!’, we had never planned to sit in the sun, the plan was always to travel or camp etc, and therefore we’ve never been disappointed when there was no sun. Plus, it’s England – what do you expect?!

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In past posts I’ve shared my travel diary on these trips and this camping trip to Norfolk was… I can’t say ‘going to be the same’ because I’ve never really planned my travel diary’s – I take my notebook encase I get inspiration, then when I’m back home I re read it and make it into a post. Something about travelling inspires me automatically, I just know what I want to write down. It’s about the day and what we are doing, obviously, but I do know my ‘style’, I know what I like to document and avoid any fakery (I’m really not a sugar coated kind of gal), and somehow as soon as we step into our car and on our way, each time I’m back in that zone. I love that zone. I need to work out what it means psychologically because if I could have that drive when I’m at home EVERYTHING on my to do list would be done. I think I understand it, travelling clears my head and makes way for the things I deem important – and the negative stuff which stops me in day to day life just fucks off.

So this trip was no different, as soon as the day arrived my brain changed and I was mindful and chill and wanted to document our time. For some reason though, and I think it’s got to be because I was in such a bad way before we came away, I didn’t get enough time to write anything. I just revelled in the fact my brain wasn’t as foggy. I still took photos, and I have a few words from the drive there which I will include next. Other than that – that’s all folks!

 

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10/8/17

And so the next adventure starts with some typically English and Mumsy, despite not being a Mum (other than to my plants), words: ‘Now it’s a 3 hour drive, we better go to the toilet!’

‘Nah, I’m alright,’ James said, and I couldn’t change his mind that it’s a good idea. ‘Well, if we have to stop in half an hour-‘ I let the end of my sentence trail off as I walked to the toilet. Truly because I didn’t have an end. He’s driving. If he wants to stop he’ll stop. But in need of a good ‘told you so’ moment, I thought while I have my wee I’ll write this passage on the toilet for evidence. That’s right, I’m writing this on the toilet.

 

11:53 we left the house. Spoiler alert: we didn’t stop at all. Damn.

Our first stop is two minutes down the road to a garage, in hopes of getting James’s radio fixed. This is how we work – we pack the car the morning we go and we get the radio fixed in the morning we go. To be fair it’s the same amount of effort doing it all on the day and the rain yesterday was so ridiculous that most roads in our town had turned into outside swimming pools. We no longer have to go to Herne Hill for a lido. If we packed the car the night before our camping gear would have been drenched – even in the twenty whatever steps to the car.

Looks like we have half an hour of no music till we get the code for the radio – thank you James for letting the battery go dead! Now we have to talk to each other! Yuck! Instead we are going to play spotify through his phone, problem solved. We do like each others company, I promise.

And 12:57 we have radio! That being said James put on his ‘new’ CD that he bought from a charity shop for 49p – 2007’s Now 68. The second disk only. First song Plain White T’s, Hey There Delilah.

 

15:10 we arrive and James cracks open a Stella. I, on the other hand, has a sudden headache and belly ache. So, as James keeps calling me recently, Sulky Emily is waiting for her pills to kick in before we put up the tent. It’s probably anxiety thinking about it, it takes many forms. But the sun is shining and the beach is only a short stroll away.

Put tent up and we chill and I feel great. Also beer. I’ve had a huge cloud fogging my mind the last few weeks and I feel like these camping trips clear it away, like it’s my medication.

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And that’s all I wrote this time. I could tell you what I did past tense but I can’t write it half as interesting when it’s already happened. Plus my memory is shit.

Thanks for visiting!