‘You believed in Santa for 8 years – try and believe in yourself for 10 seconds’

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‘It was actually 11 years,’ I didn’t want to give up that dream, but wise words from my boyfriend, James, there.

I’ve had the unpleasant experience recently of being graced with someones presence that loves to shit on other people. Not literally, that I know of, other wise this whole blog post would be about something completely different and I’m not sure I would want to go on. What I mean is bringing others down. Especially if they aren’t part of the norm. And hellooo, here I am, definitely not part of the norm. I am playful, I am young at heart, I love making stuff and I’m not afraid anymore. You hear me? I’m not afraid anymore! Name that reference.

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“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask.” 

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.” 

Jim Morrison

I’ve always been an analyser so I’m aware if someone is insecure they like to bring others down to feel better, they feel powerless and so want to regain it. Even so, it still works, it’s not nice. Growing up I’ve always been sensitive (which isn’t a bad thing, no matter what others say) and now I suffer with anxiety and depression (which this person knew about!) but because of that I had to toughen up. I think that’s a natural byproduct of mental health problems. My whole life I’ve balanced along a line of ‘Emily, it’s cool, chill’ or ‘am I making excuses for others when really I’m not being sensitive, they were just being a prick?’ When you are younger it’s more confusing and you aren’t sure of the situation, it’s clouded in hormones, and I tended to question why they say stuff in the first place and then blame myself. I’m 26, I think I’m allowed to say when it isn’t cool.

Some people are just walking targets for those who are too self aware of what others think, and it comes to a point where you just accept it. Even take it as a compliment. ‘You’re attacking me because I’m not afraid to be myself? Cool. What does that say about you?’ I never have covered up, I’ve always been unapologetically myself and after this recent situation I’ve realised I’ve allowed myself to decide, I don’t need anyone else to guide me, whether that person was wrong or not – my life and my choices. That person was a prick.

 

“I am what I am, an’ I’m not ashamed. ‘Never be ashamed,’ my ol’ dad used ter say, ‘there’s some who’ll hold it against you, but they’re not worth botherin’ with.’

J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire

I’m not going to lie to you, this incident brought me really down low, like phoning James at 6:30 in the morning crying low. Sidenote: I was walking to work, I didn’t randomly wake up crying nor am I just being dramatic with the time of day. His wise words lifted me a lot, which is where this title quote was slotted among – along with a lot more graphic worded ones.

 

“Power over others is weakness disguised as strength”

Eckhart Tolle

It’s hard when someone does stamp on you after trying to help yourself for so long. You feel like you’re back at square one. Especially if they are hitting all your triggers and checking off that list of things you dislike about yourself – even without you realising at the time. What plays on my mind even more is that I was so polite back, as usual. I hated myself after for that but at the end of the day it’s because I’m nice. That’s a good thing, self reminder, it’s a good thing.

Although I don’t think I would have felt better if it wasn’t for James, I love that I have gotten to a place where I’m like fuck it. There’s no other way to explain it than fuck it. If you’re the kind of person that kicks someone down for being themselves then you have a big problem, not me. Fuck people like that. I’m chill, I love who I am. What more; I’m proud.

So you may have noticed the random photos of things I’ve made or done, cushioned in with quotes from things I love, and thought it had no relation to the text – well that’s me putting up a massive middle finger.

(Not to you reading this, that’s just rude – that’s not me.) (Has the impact of that last sentence gone now? I’m okay with it.)

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“If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

RuPaul

Fixing what’s unsatisfactory

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Creating meaningful surroundings is important to me. I’m not a designer of any sort. I don’t have rules… I purposely like to kid myself that I’m breaking rules but I have no clue, I could be following a rule book unbeknown to me.

That’s what I was doing today. Concentrating on my room. It’s not done, this is where I’m up to. Everyday I view my surrounds as something to decorate, I suppose that’s just a creative mind, but I don’t always act on the urge, hence this post. There is a need in me to fix everything to what I find pleasing though.

I wonder why when something is important to me, like decorating and styling, I don’t become more knowledgeable on it but rather I allow it to be what it is. It’s an natural interest, I like stuff, but at the same time I am particular on what I have. I like to collect things from different places, I like to make things, I don’t need my possessions to scream what interests I have but I like them to portray my personality. That’s why it’s homely to me. That’s why I feel comfortable in my room.

And how does pleasing me work? How do I ‘find’ what is pleasing? I suppose, I say reluctantly, that must come down to some sort of rule – the juxtaposition of the objects. It’s like pretty faces are usually symmetrical. I don’t know. I’m just not sure, there’s probably a science behind it. With people who are Doctors. Hello, I’m a Doctor of Style. You wouldn’t believe them though, would you. You’d just think they’re being cocky.

My room is divided into two categories; things I’m satisfied with and things I’m not. I wasn’t aware of this till recently and all it comes down to when I have a feeling that something isn’t right. Which is an okay problem, I suppose, but it occurred to me that I could just fix them. Anything that gives me a sinking feeling just correct it till I’m all chill inside.

That’s obvious isn’t it. When you live in a space you don’t often see that though.

So here I am fixing what doesn’t satisfy me and I’ll update you in the future whether these changes have worked.

shelving

IMG_0857 1covering the sides

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bed side table

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shelves

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This is where I kind of gave up and had a walk, food and a bubble bath. I’m an easily distracted creature. This one was a tough one though. I still don’t think it’s right but I think I’m done playing for today so I’ll sit on it a bit and see if my dissatisfied senses tingle.

It does look kind of cute. It’s growing on me already.IMG_2916

 

Quotes for me and pottery

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You need to be tested.

Sentences pop into my brain every once in a while which sums up what I’m feeling or even advice for getting through it. It’s almost like there’s someone else in here with me that just points something out which steers me in the right direction. There isn’t a little man in here though, it’s an a culmination of all my thoughts jumbled up then like on Count Down it’s my job to find the words. It’s a little dose of clarity I need every once in a while.

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Other thoughts I’ve had the past week or two that were so strong I had to write down;

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Don’t become stagnant.

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Exercise is the baseline for some stability.

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You feel like you have so much to offer the world so why aren’t you offering it?

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Always try.

Personalised Christmas Bauble Card

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My Christmas cards this year are available to buy on etsy!

Whoop-de-do.

I’ve made my own cards every year for as long as I can remember. The brief history is that I used to make individual ones with my Nan, and unfortunately when I became an adult I became lazy and instead would do a photo card of myself. This time round I decided to make baubles for my family to put on the tree – of themselves, not me. It seems bizarre to give people a funny/quirky picture of me, I know that’s a Christmas thing though and I’ll probably do that again next year.

I fancied doing something different for a card this year. I suppose it’s a pre-Christmas day present for them to hang up.

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Have a look at my shop FromMiles if you’re interested. They’re only £4. I haven’t really done this before so it’s all new and exciting and I LOVE CHRISTMAS and wonderful. It is completely made and designed by me.

Thank you for having a look regardless, you’re a top notch human.

Top notch is a great saying.

See ya!

Charity and Small Business Gift Tag – Free Download

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This coming Christmas is a different one is so many way. I’m not going to list it all, you’re welcome, but for the sake of this post actually making sense I will reveal one. All (if possible) presents I will be buying will be bought from a charity shop, or the money donated to charity, or from a small business.

It makes so much sense! I don’t know why I haven’t done it before.

The idea only came to me because my partner isn’t a fan of Christmas because of the consumerism. Which I agree with, and would try to explain that it isn’t about the presents;

‘Maybe Christmas, he thought… doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps… means a little bit more!’ The Grinch

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But yeah, I see what he was saying. Although the Grinch worked that out, a lot of other people haven’t. The only answer when dating a girl who is obsessed with all things Christmas is to stick to your own morals and ideals, you don’t need to get wrapped up (oh the pun) in the present buying. It’s just stress and it feels weird. For me and I’m sure a lot of people, Christmas is about thanking those you love and a celebration for the past year. I want to get those I love a little something to show my appreciation – that’s it. For a added bonus, I get a kick from making my own presents and cards – and in this case, gift tags.

I’ve made my own gift tags. Yes I have. I want people to know where they came from, it gives me a warm feeling. Not in a ‘I’M A GREAT PERSON AND I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW AND PRAISE ME!’ way, because it did just occur to me that it sounds like I’m boasting and shitting on everyone else’s ideals. More in a ‘this is what Christmas means to me’ way. I just need to add as well that the gifts from etsy are generally so cute and personal, and oh my God so exciting when they come through the post and you unwrap it to see how they’ve packaged it.

So, why presents from these places and not a ‘normal’ shop? It just seems mad to think that we all go to the same huge businesses that don’t benefit the little man, and I’m not going to go into it but I think we are all aware of where the products are made and the all negatives. I can’t personally dive into it right now, for my mental health exploding for the, I don’t know, 12th time today (?), because I still do shop at these places so even if I don’t support it, I’m supporting it.. My brain. Ouch.

My brother argued with me that these big businesses have thousands of employees to pay – I even work for a big business – so it could have a negative impact on all those people. My family like to debate, I should add. Just because I don’t completely agree with it doesn’t mean others don’t. These big businesses are going to make their money. While their employees get paid £7 an hour. It’s okay for me to not buy from these companies.

I do urge you to buy a few gifts from the little man this Christmas, it means a lot more to them and it feels good.

If you would like to download my homemade gift tags click on the link below. I printed mine onto recycled card stock.

Download – charity, small business gift tag

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Just in case you were wondering if it is more difficult finding and buying gifts this way, I have found it easier surprisingly. Thanks for reading! This is the part where I serenade you with a Christmas song as you walk away…

Bedroom: Teenager to Adult

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2012 bedroom

As I’ve moved yet again (I’ve moved a lot in the last 5 years, that’s weird to look back on, but this time its only to a bigger room) I thought I’d share a few photos from my teenage bedroom in comparison to the one I just moved out of. I fully moved out of it 2012 when these photos were taken, which meant my photo wall disappeared, and to be fair that’s all I cared about and basically all I took photos of when I left. And to also be fair again, best way to be, my entire room was covered in photos so not sure why I always called one wall my photo wall when the others were equally covered. Teenagers, ay?! Mental.

Let us begin.

May 2012 – taken aged 21 but room decorated aged 14-19

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November 2016 – aged 25

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I don’t think there’s a huge difference between that room and the one I just moved out of. Less experimental with photos maybe. More ‘adult’ now. I used to cut photos out, overlap them, use masking tape to stick them to the wall, group them into colours or feeling. It was eclectic and a lot, I wish I could have captured all of it in one frame. Now I have collected artwork which I’ve framed, and have more items I’ve made. I see my old, old room as a blank canvas or a lesson which helped refine how I like to style, which I’m still learning (homes are never finished), and it may not seem important in the slightest but having creative and experimental surroundings feel comforting to me. Having a generic room isn’t comforting, it feels off and not myself, but the way I style is not for everyone, it’s definitely not for my family, but I like that.

I hadn’t finished this bedroom I just left, I was just getting started but I wanted this room I’m in now so bad. Already it feels good. I think it’s a positive change, and I’m seeking all the positivity I can get right now.

I transformed my last bedroom drastically to what it was before, and I’ve already changed this new one completely with the layout compared to how my brother had it. I go with my gut, decorating is important and fun to me, but I like it to be completely how I want it, not anyone else. There’s a ‘practical space’ that would work for everyone, then there’s a ‘practical space’ that suits me and my needs. It has to feel right. I haven’t painted but I don’t think I’m done with having grey walls yet. I need to live here for a bit then it’ll hit me round the face how I want to decorate, and I thrive on that inspiration.