Helping small

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I am always so acutely aware of my happiness.

I think it’s something that naturally goes hand in hand with depression. Like a business man who’s obsessed with money. He’ll never have enough of it and therefore never be satisfied.

A bit like that.

 

I see the faults in this, I see the circles I must go in. The more you try to not be obsessed with something though the more attention you’re giving to that one thing. But this post isn’t about that anyway.

Recently a thought hit me – I do so much to try and make myself happy. Well, nothing has worked well so far, so why not do things for others instead. Spend my time a little more wisely.

 

I’ve gone along with idea for a few months now. A lot of my help to others seems to always involve paint. I’ve tried to help emotionally a few times and I can’t seem to do that quite yet.

I can’t do more than I’m ready for but if there’s some DIY someone needs doing, I’ll be there for youuu.

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I haven’t done anything ground breaking. I haven’t helped the community, only family and friends. And it’s all little things that they could have done but I’ve done it instead. It still seems like I gave them a little bit of happiness and that’s the goal.

Someone to feel happy.

In turn that does make me feel happy.

And the act alone of painting chairs or a fence is therapeutic and has given me a little hope.

Not that any of this is about how I feel. My focus was never on that.

I encourage you to help someone in a small way. And the only reason for that action is for their satisfaction, not your own.

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Knitting the same thing for over 2 years

I could be cruel and post photos of me in sunny Morocco from a long two weeks ago, while it’s currently snowing outside, and that dark temptation played on my mind for a long while.

Instead I listened to the angel on my right shoulder and have decided to share my blanket I’ve been knitting for a few years.

Imagine your face being stroked by the soft material, seeing as it can’t be by the sun.

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I am not a consistent knitter. It’s for me when my fingers are jittery but I don’t want a big project. Also, tends to be when I’m in a bit of a slump and am trying to comfort myself with creative things.

This blanket is like an old friend. I’m not consistent but the blanket is.

 

 

An evening of creative busyness

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I had such a fun afternoon yesterday.

After a slow morning of knitting, it was a fully creative evening, like the ones I hope to do everyday but instead always choose the easier option of procrastinating, eating crap and watching YouTube.

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I really needed it too. I don’t need to say how down I’ve been, the fact I’m depressed anyway and I haven’t blogged in three weeks means you can conclude it for yourself. I gift you creative control on that decision.

It started with re-potting some plants I’ve grown myself, for birthday presents, while listening to Twenty One Pilots live at Firefly festival, and watching my 4 year old brother head bang to it.

While I was re-potting one (and a disaster happened to it, but I won’t share today) I decided I may as well do all of them. I then rummaged around the house to find bowls and tins to be used as pots. It feels so much nicer to use something you already own, or find a new use for, than buying a new pot. I don’t know why that is.

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I wrote tags for the ones I’m giving away, then as I was fertilising all my plants there was an orange glow radiating from all the windows and sitting about the house. I don’t believe we’ve seen a golden hour in a while.

Maybe we have but my beyond my dark blinkers I couldn’t see it.

I decided for the rest of the evening – after arm wrestling with my brother to convince him to eat his pasta – to finally upload my moon faces onto Etsy ( – From Miles – ) which, if you have never sold anything online, can be so, so tedious. The most boring part out of the whole process.

BUT, I had decided all my Moon Faces have names and back stories. And so, I had soooo much fun writing them. I was laughing out loud. It was a proper creative exercise. It reminded me of when I was 16 and I’d write short stories for my friends in similar fashion.

 

 

I’ve uploaded 7 so far, go have a look if you’re curious at my sense of humour and who these Moon Faces really are.

I hope to be back at posting almost daily – but who can ever know when mental health is riddled between every line in my brain. I have my Morocco trip to write about and in my own time I’ll get to it because I enjoy blogging about travel so much – spoiler: Marrakesh markets are mental.. pretty obvious.

Anyway, thanks for reading and here’s to more creative days!

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Reasoning

I’m going through a phase of needing quiet.

I suppose I need peace. But the next best thing is quiet.

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I struggle with the thought of ‘what’s the point in doing anything?’ Everything is trivial and meaningless really, once we die. I don’t say this to be a downer – though, naturally, it is a downer.

I fight this conflict all the time. It’s why some days I do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

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Today though I needed a walk in my favourite fields, to clear away the fog and cobwebs, and although it was freezing (literally freezing, it’s been snowing this week) it helped me hugely.

Just feeling the sun on my face.. it’s hard to explain. I don’t need to explain anyway.

I realised

there’s no point to anything but you can’t be happy doing nothing.

It’s simple, but as I’ve been realising recently, the best things are.

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I’ve slacked on reading for a while now and to get back into it I started with some Roald Dahl. I then went onto The Secret Garden. The quote ‘where you tend a rose, my lad, a thistle cannot grow’ has stuck with me. So for two packages I’m sending to friends for Valentine’s Day I included a postcard of this quote that I drew, with a note on the back reminding them to keep the magic within them.

What have you been up to? Looking after my mental health and cute penguins

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This week on whybut has been different. At first it annoyed me, not going to lie, but turns out how I want to be and how I am are two very different things.

I want to be clear headed 24/7 and able to do all the things I want, but I simply can’t.

I get low, then I get extremely happy, and then back down etc etc. And along with the ride I get so frustrated, I hate the numb days, I hate hopelessness, I want to be something else.

*You’re never going to be someone else*

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It’s too complex to go into, plus I can’t be asked.

I’m just being my own best friend, that’s all. And I love to comfort her with Sky Arts Landscape Artist of the Year and Jonathon Creek.

I obviously want to continue to fight the depression and anxiety, but I still need to be at peace with it – some days I can climb over it and sometimes I need to stay on the mountain and make it my home. It can’t be a negative anymore because it’s been years and years now and I should just accept it’s part of my path.

I have depression. I HAVE DEPRESSION! That’s fine.

Anyway, less suppression, more acceptance. That’s been my week.

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Along with it I’ve realised I can’t write out do to lists for future days, or plan it because when that day comes my mood might not want to do it – and I don’t need guilt on top of other negative feelings.

So this week my book has turned into an essential part of my working, but not with words – more like a pallet or backdrop.

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Still successful. I did stuff that was under each category – lifestyle, work and personal.

I made these wonderfully, weird penguin acorn caps, which I will be turning into baubles and will be up on my etsy soon.

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I also finished these two photo wall hangings – after the other two selling – and they are up on my etsy shop.

Other than that my bedroom is a shit hole, I’ve forgotten to clean my teeth today and I’m treating myself to a takeaway pizza tonight. Yipeeeee!

 

 

Thoughts on how I’ve embraced positive quotes

I’ve been quite open and honest with my mental health on here in the past, and with everything else in my life, I just go through phases of how much I tell people. At the moment I’m pretty quiet, which I’m not sure is better because do people assume I’m ‘cured’ because I’m not showing it as much? Does that even matter?

Even so, I may be screaming on the inside, just like others are, but I don’t feel like doing that on the outside.

This may be in relation of whether I allow my depression and anxiety to consume me or whether I’m fighting it more. Fighting in the sense of accepting when I feel crap but surrounding myself in happy things.

I have never been one for quotes, and more specifically positive quotes, they just felt.. fake. I hate fake and it felt like I was lying if I were to have something like that around me. I do like words, however, so I would hold onto thoughts I’ve had or things which would help – like ‘I’m okay’ or ‘One Day At A Time’, which I drew at the beginning of this year after therapy. Telling yourself just one day at a time works wonders!

(Which, past Emily, is a positive quote!) (Don’t tell her, she’d be mortified!)

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I think what’s changed is that I’ve allowed positive quotes to help me.

I don’t need more bad energy surrounding me, I’ve got enough of that in my brain. So what if it’s cheesy?! So what if these positive quotes isn’t how any of us are feeling?! It doesn’t mean it’s fake, it means your trying.

It’s the difference in someone telling you to just give up, life is hard, or to help yourself because it’s worth it.

There’s just too many dark paths to go down, all I can do is stick to a route that’s genuine to me but try and have that torch, that light to guide me.

Hold onto a crystal, re-read your favourite book, pray, listen to an album on repeat, cover your bedroom in fairy lights, go for long walks, cuddle your favourite teddy

or

embrace positive quotes.

Because you’ve just got to.