Don’t Doubt Yourself #2

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I don’t realise I’m buzzing off a creative live wire until I notice that the person I’m rambling at hasn’t spoken much in our conversation, but continuously and politely nodding. Depending on how much spark is left often dictates how I go from there, but it’s usually followed up with an all too English apology. It’s all okay for those who know me though, they come to expect it, and I wouldn’t generally share ideas with people I’m not close to. Besides, I don’t jump around when I go off on a tangent anymore, my Mum dealt with that while I was growing up; she used to call me Tigger.

Maybe others are more in tune with themselves, but I honestly am unaware when I’m in this state of mind. When I’m not like this I’m a lot better at conversation, I swear. But even when I am going at a million miles an hour and I think this new idea of mine is the best idea I’ve ever had, and it consumes me (it really consumes me), and all I want is to do it right NOW, there’s always a time when I stop.

And think.

And doubt.

Doubt is the reason my notebooks are so full but I haven’t executed a quarter of the ideas. Doubt tells me my idea is wrong. Doubt tells me nothing I creative will ever be ‘pinterest’ worthy. That everyone else’s ideas are so superior and that mine are just insignificant, little ants trying to avoid getting trod on by everyone else’s giant-idea-feet. (At least my doubt can be somewhat creative at times.)

Back to reality, if I executed all my ideas I’d have a million failures. Though that would mean a million lessons to learn. Not all ideas are great, only the feeling when getting them is. Doubt keeps us in check sometimes, but it can stunt us, it definitely does it worse on me. For whatever reason this doubt monster stops me in my tracks, and could have stopped me from doing something great, you never know, there comes a time when you realise that you just have to tell it to fuck off, I’m doing it anyway.

So, another self reminder for ‘don’t doubt yourself’. Who’s to say your or my idea is wrong? It’s probably right to you, otherwise why would your brain think of it? Whenever these thoughts creep in, and I’m about to tear up a sheet of paper or completely throw out an idea I literally speak these words to myself, and it bloody works.

 

Just a few thoughts I wanted to share from my wardrobe covered in self reminders. (I’m not literally sharing them from there, that’s not my hiding place where I write blog posts from. You know what I mean.) 

Don’t doubt yourself #1

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The Pressure Of Being Happy

I have a daily/hourly/constant argument with myself about being happy. I haven’t completely narrowed down the reason why. Clearly obsessing and putting so much concentration on it doesn’t help, I’m literally creating the pressure. But then again I know others struggle with it, so maybe it’s a human thing, or a anxiety and depression thing. Today, on a positive note, I’m ok with not knowing the reason. Progress!

I’ve worked out happiness is an individual thing, and to be confident with yourself and unapologetic. I’ve already spent too much of my time doing things because others my age group were doing it. I never enjoyed hanging out in a big group of teenagers in a shopping centre, and trying to act like an adult when I was 14. It gave me an awful feeling inside, I suppose with hindsight it’s pretending to fit in. I never was much of a sheep though, my trampoline was my definition of joy up till I was 17. 

Yes, we have to do these things to learn. Though, I remember getting so confused when I didn’t enjoy things others were seeming to love. Clubbing till I’m absolutely gazeboed (Michael McIntyre joke, anyone?) and an uncontrollable mess – really, this weekend too?! I enjoy it when I’m drunk and still able to dance, please and thank you, but that’s not my epitomy of fun. It’s funny we feel like we have to fit these roles.

But no, I instantly went to why am I weird?! Why can’t I fit in?! Why am I me and not you?! 

Oh I can be very dramatic. Just imagine me falling to my knees yelling up to the sky and you wouldn’t be far off the mark.

Flash forward a few years; I really enjoy drinking but I also enjoy knitting. I like doing things and being out and about but I always prefer calmer situations. I enjoy getting to know peoples quirks and find it increasingly hard to be around fake people. Sometimes I’d prefer getting consumed in crafts than seeing anyone. I like speaking openly about my feelings and encourage others too. Plants are nice, I dont enjoy consumerism but I’m a bit of a hoarder, I love anime and I find any excuse to play, because I think that’s the key to my happiness. 

I’m always double checking and putting that pressure on myself, and I hate it, yuck. I’m trying so hard at the moment though, I’m really trying to help myself. Knowing that is a big boost and like I said, it’s an individual journey and self reminder – ‘don’t doubt yourself’. 

Just a few thoughts I wanted to share from my wardrobe covered in self reminders. (I’m not literally sharing them from there, that’s not my hiding place where I write blog posts from. You know what I mean.) 

My Top Tips To Stay Present

EMILYANNLOU

I am at the start of my journey of being in the now. That doesn’t mean where I am at is more or less important to where I want to be some day. You can only live the present.

It can be amazingly hard to stay present, every part of myself wants to resist it. Occasionally I win and I can switch off the past and future, and those magical moments really encourage me to continue through to the next time I can win again. The peace I have felt has been mind blowing, bearing in mind I was in a dark place before I had this break through. I was at the bottom of a pit with no hope, then I broke through to normal life, though rather stay there for a bit I carried on soaring off into the atmosphere. Kinda. In ‘The Power of Now’ it says you are closest to enlightenment when you are broken, because the ego is broken, which almost contradicts what I said. So possibly instead of soaring up out of this pit, I found another way out which was underneath me, or a hole in the wall like in ‘Shawshank Redemption’. The quote ‘crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side’ couldn’t be more appropriate.

Although I say all this, I still struggle to keep out negative thoughts about things that aren’t actually happening at that moment, and it can plague relationships you have with people (you dwell and read into what they have said in the past), feelings can consume you in a never ending vortex in your mind and you don’t look at, enjoy and experience what is going on around you. So for those times I feel this way I have a quick and easy routine to bring me back into the now. You can do this in a crowd, at work or anywhere. Don’t be afraid of possible boredom, it honestly isn’t boring.

Here are my tips, tried and tested, for when you notice your mind is else where and not where it’s meant to be;

  • Start with sounds. Listen to everything going on around you. It’s amazing what you didn’t notice before.
  • Look at everything. Really look. Observe. Look and listen.
  • Notice how your body physically feels at that moment. How it feels to be sitting/walking, what your skin is touching, whether it’s clothing or the sun. Once you get to the tingly feeling you are on the right track.
  • Concentrate on your breathing.
  • And if your mind drifts off to other thoughts calmly bring yourself back to reality and start listening and looking again. It’s not a problem, it’s cool, it happens. Chill.

If I am feeling particularly anxious or annoyed for a reason I can’t identify or solve, and I’m still struggling to calm down after the first steps, I speak to myself.

I say (in my head of course);

  • “You don’t feel that.”
  • “Step out of that feeling, it’s your mind creating it, that isn’t what is happening right now.”
  • “It’s not reality.”
  • “You’re okay.”

It is totally possible to stop what you are feeling and just be calm. Just allow it.

“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.”

Eckhart Tolle

Five Controversial Things About Me

So let’s imagine I’m at a party with all my friends and family: here are five things that would (and have before) cause controversy when brought up in conversation.

1. My favourite Queen song is Somebody To Love.

Wait what? But Bohemian Rhapsody! Don’t Stop Me Now?! Is this a joke? What about Under Pressure? I Want To Break Free?? Radio Ga Ga?! Come on!

I have great memories of singing Bohemian Rhapsody in the dark room at college, like don’t get me wrong I love it, I love Queen, but somebody find me somebody to love! Always a debate with people.

2. I’m not into social media. Maybe I just don’t get it.

But, but, but how do you live then?

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3. I’m a vegetarian.

WHY?!

4. I’m an atheist.

Any belief is controversial nowadays. Why can’t we all just get along?! I said that really dramatic, just so you know. But we just need to accept that everyone is different, and it’s actually cool and interesting. I want to know what you believe in, and it’ll be nice for me to share mine, and we can all nod our heads and say ‘oh wow, really? That’s cool,’ and high five. Yup.

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5. I suffer with anxiety and depression.

I’m really good at the moment (just thought I’d throw that out there), but why is mental health still a taboo subject? I’m so open, don’t just ask me ‘how are you?’ in a hushed voice, ask me questions if you are really interested. It’s okay. I’m okay. It’s just like having a broken leg..

And one cheeky extra one: my boyfriend is from the north, where as I’m from the south. Ohh, mental!

I encourage Project Patrol, Payton Mckee and Tiny Kelsie to share five controversial things about yourself! That’ll be just swell.

Over and out, Emily x