Some autumn goals

 

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Like Summer, I’m writing some goals for Autumn – not to stick rigidly to but to inspire me to not be lazy like my inner self really wants. I really just want to lay in bed, drink hot chocolate and watch films.

Just a brief run down of each goal – go swimming every week. I love swimming, even though I’m awful at it and I just end up making my own swimming strokes, but James and I started going more often recently and I felt great after. During I feel like my limbs are on fire, but after wards I’m on top of the world.

Also good for depression.

Fly a kite – if you’ve been reading my blog you understand this one. I’m not giving up yet.

Print of little brother for St Lucian charity – I drew a photo of my adopted brother months ago and I saw it the other day and it hit me that I should try and sell it to raise money for a St Lucian charity (where he’s originally from) with the sales. I haven’t looked into the idea at all, so I have many steps under this goal. I have a charity in mind though, because he and Mum do Christmas shoe boxes each year for this charity, filled with toys for children.

Do something special with James – since my partner, James, has a new job we see each other less. We see each other briefly each day still but it’s never doing much other than shopping or chores. So it’ll be lovely to set a day just for us two, with no chores, no work and just fun.

 


 

That’s all for now. Less outdoors things this season but hopefully having these goals up will motivate me to do more – and more meaning a good scooting session soon. Scooting session soon. Say that three times fast.

Thanks! Bye!

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The sun came out this evening, finally

Over the years I’ve documented this field and my walks in it. I walked it in slippery mud, in crops taller than me, read The Power Of Now in it, collected things found and, as you could imagine, lost weight. I haven’t been since I joined the gym, which is a bloody shame really, but this evening with nothing to do and the sun suddenly shining after a dreary day, I went for a glorious stroll on my own. Glorious.

I didn’t plan on taking photos but I can never help myself with this field. I only had my phone though. What a good way to end a day.

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Climbing the o2 but really nothing about it

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The impossible task of trying to make my day interesting enough to read! It actually infuriates me how difficult I find it to write about my day to day things. Most of my life my way to express myself has been writing. Stories, diaries, poems. Seemingly endless piles of notebooks and endless categories for what each notebook has in (which has proven to be the hardest to sort through in my The Life-Changing Magic Of Tidying Up binge). It’s important to me at the end of the day. I know what I can write about easily and what I struggle with. So the question today is whether I keep at what I’m ‘good’ at, which is ramblings, simply put, or try to write about my day?

So when I was 16 I started writing a book then when I started writing a journal every entry was addressed to my main character in that book – so ‘Dear….’ – and I even write in it now. Every once in awhile I skim through it, it’s interesting to see where I was at a few years ago etc, but any entries that are about an actual day are so boring. It’s a diary, that’s fine. No one is reading it (I fucking hope!) (I actually don’t let anyone go through any of my notebooks, unless I give permission to a page) so it doesn’t have to be entertaining. It’s not for that, it’s not even to read back one day. I’ll more likely to burn them than read them. Point being, writing about the day sucks.

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Now, do I do it wrong? I have a very bad memory in general so that could be a factor. Actually, that is a huge factor, I say like that isn’t obvious. I had a great day on Thursday, and although I remember bits because it happened yesterday to me writing this, I couldn’t write down the jokes and laughter in a clear or entertaining way. Unless I write a script for my day;

James                     Was you listening to that?

Emily                     No

James                    That’s it, I’m not helping you!

Emily                    How do I get the clip off?

Instructor            I’ll show you

James                   No! She needs to learn to listen!

Emily                   Teachers pet

 Emily takes the clip off perfectly and sticks up her middle fingers at James. Everyone laughs.

No? Probably not. It always translates into a ‘you had to be there’ moment. Also I can’t really remember any banter aimed at me that bigged up my boyfriend’s ego instead and not mine. If he wrote this, though his memory is as bad as mine, he’s script would probably be completely different. I’m actually thinking for a moment of a time he won at the joke (which let’s be honest, he’s funnier).. He told the photographer that he wanted the photos alone without me *everyone laughs*. Then she actually asked him if he wanted it alone.

It’s funny actually how our memories of a day differ based upon how we felt. It’s like when you have that awkward moment of asking your partner ‘what’s your favourite memory of us?‘ then it’s completely different to your own and then you get grumpy but you’re ‘fine, I’m fine!‘ then you both sit in silence for a while, then you work out your period is due and it actually is fine because it was also a nice memory? Oh PMS, fights caused because of you stay in my memory. And stay in my elbow. (Long boring story, but no I wasn’t hitting anyone, and yes it’s been over a month and it still hurts.)

It’s not exactly a problem not being able to write about adventures, you don’t have them to tell other people. Wait, yeah there are people out there like that, and if they do it well good on them. If writing isn’t the best format for that – even though you think it would be – I could use other mediums but at the end of the day, I don’t want to. It’s okay that I can’t document as well as I want to. I know I had a great day, and the memories will fade but happy days make up a fulfilling life.

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It all makes sense now

So I joined a gym a month ago. It hasn’t been something I’ve been spreading and laying on thick, it’s not a boasting point but possibly a talking point in general chit chat. I have not taken a before photo, I have not weighed myself, I have not taken a photo of myself at the gym or in gym clothes. The only time it’s a ‘thing’ is when I joke to one of my best mates and throw in a ‘yeah, I go to the gym now’ or ‘yeah, I work out..’ and then ‘did I mention I go to the gym?’

It’s also not a secret. I’ve been asking for advise from people that know their shit, mainly about how much I’ve been aching and if that’s normal. Please tell me it’s normal. Its totally my irrational side saying that, my paranoia is a thing that I live with but I work at it. Come on, what actual exercise have you done in a year, Emily? These muscles are screaming, that’s all.

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as I mentioned, no photos of me working out, so this will do 🙂

I bought running trainers because of the pain. With hindsight I probably shouldn’t have started running without the right shoes but my partner and I joined the gym on a whim and we had no knowledge – still haven’t got any – on what is.. correct I suppose.

Something funny happened actually. Not Ha Ha funny, spoiler alert. Like I said, at the beginning we openly asked for advise (because something I learnt is that it’s completely okay having no clue. It really is. If you go to a gym and act like you know what you’re doing you probably won’t do anything) and so, my partner knows a lot more gym heads than I, he asked a lot of different people for tips etc. Every single person gave us different advise. Every single person would disagree with the last advise we got – passionately. Which made me realise that there isn’t a set guideline to fitness, even though all these people were so adamant at their advise. Don’t listen to the last bloke, this is what you do!

Same with diets. (I am not on a ‘diet’ but I’ve been vegetarian for nearly 3 years so that probably is my ‘diet’) (Doesn’t mean I’m healthy though). I’ve had so much advise from different people with what you should eat too, and the amount of contradicting information out there is crazy. What is the right answer? What does our body actually need? Some of them seem so unhealthy too but people follow them religiously. That being said, a lot of people think being vegetarian is unhealthy (and not just because of pizza. Pizza. How I love you. The vegetarians bacon.)

What I’m getting at is simply how bizarre it is not being taught a healthy lifestyle, and when I’m trying to find out the answers there isn’t really one. I can only assume it’s because we are all different, but that still doesn’t give me anything. The only information I was taught in school was ‘5 a day’… and now it’s changed to ‘7 a day’.. The fitness Gods have changed their minds? I personally just want some facts to distinguish fact from opinion. Someone suggested to my boyfriend to only eat lentils, couscous and chicken – is that okay?! I know he hasn’t done this despite buying the ingredients, I’m going to text him saying ‘how’s the lentils and couscous going?’

That was the thing that was ‘funny’. Those last three paragraphs. Anyway..

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This wasn’t where I expected going with my random thoughts. What I originally set out to write was how working out has positively impacted the rest of my life. (Did I mention I work out? lols). At the time of writing this I’ve come down with a pretty bad cold, but I want to get up and do stuff. For the first time I don’t want to lay in my misery and get caught up in guessing what other illnesses this cold will lead to. None of that swine flu malarkey, give me a pen and paper, just give me anything. Well, no, I can get it myself thanks. I don’t work out these leg muscles for nothing. Seriously now, it’s so much easier getting up to go the gym than I expected, and it’s proven to me how the rest of my life is like that. It is actually great. Exercise has been the baseline for stability. With that stability as a backbone to my life it has brought out the impulsive side in me. It’s put me in much more of a get up and go mind set. Just do it. OH MY GOD I FINALLY UNDERSTAND NIKE.

Moral of the story: that actually is a pretty good slogan.

Seeing The Colours

Story time, gather round, gather round.

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Today I noticed colours.

I watched this video. After viewing it my instant and only reaction was that I need a cat in my life. That thought has been around for a while though so this video did nothing to plant that seed in my head, I just chose to take it as a sign. I won’t act on the sign from the Gods though, I can’t have a kitten right now. I hope they won’t get mad at me.

Then I walked home and I took my usual route. I could walk it with my eyes shut. I was listening to a podcast, which is a new thing I’ve started while walking, and I looked up from the ground and everything looked so different. It’s so hard to explain, it’s almost like when you try to describe a dream to someone but no matter how hard you emphasise a word the other person won’t actually understand. It doesn’t matter how real it was, human, repeating it won’t let me see into your brain. The best way to describe it to myself is that the same thing happened after I read the book The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle. So this difference, in the most basic way of explaining, was not in the sense of because the season had changed and golden leaves had blanketed the ground, but I felt so small. (See, I’m trying to emphasise, but does it work?) You know if you see the world from a foot taller than you are, like you’re on someones back or on a ladder, and you’re like ‘Woah, the world looks so different up here’? Today I felt like I had physically shrunk and was seeing the world from a different view.

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Now, I, the ever analysing Emily, questioned what had happened to make me view the world different. I had watched a lot of videos this morning, one after the other, that had dived deep into my brain and lead to a lot of discussions. So it went from the mindfulness video to this video about racism. God, I love these sorts of discussions, I ramble about equality after things like this – which judging from my past, could show how mentally ill I am at the moment. When I’m at my worse, suffering with depression and anxiety, I’m completely focused on the negative things of the world which are unjust. I become a spokesperson in my own mind without a conclusion, other than I know how to live a correct life for myself.

Point being, I questioned what happened for me to feel so small – not in mind, only physically. Possibly it was just because I don’t look up enough? I’ve practised mindfulness off and on, so I do try to live by it but I humanly forget and forget that I forget. After a morning analysing physiological experiments, is it that far off the mark to say that mindfulness video, or possibly any of these videos, did change how I viewed the world today, subconsciously? I could have been so present I looked up (without even realising I don’t often look up) and that saw the world for what it is. But my reaction was just simply ‘I feel so small’.

I said I could walk this route with my eyes shut, and maybe I actually do.

 

 

Day Tripper #6

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Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to my fields! Day Tripper #6 in the house.

Sidenote: They aren’t mine. They are in the sense of London is, or England is mine. I don’t own them either. I am not the Queen. In case you got confused…

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I walk in these fields most days. I actually read the whole of ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle in these farmers fields, random fact for the day. It is and it isn’t the most beautiful walk, with the occasional piece of litter, and if it rains it is just mud. Mud. I love it. It felt most fitting to leave my craft from yesterday in these fields for someone to stumble across. If they read this I suppose now I can be stalked.. On with the show!

All the different tones of the soil are pretty cool, it changes in every photo. Something I never thought I’d say.

These are my favourite photos taken on my Olympus Trip 35.

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And where I left my treasure.

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Side note: Day Tripper – absolutely nothing to do with the meaning of the song. I just love The Beatles, like a lot.