Going from one bed to another

I seem to have gotten into a routine of bed hopping. Now hold on one second, that is not anything sexual before you think it! But quite frankly I’m charmed that you would think that I could pull that many guys to bed hop like that. Thank you. Sadly, I mean because of my work schedule, James’s work schedule, my depression and, lets be honest, laziness, my new routine is literally to leave one bed for the next. Like a beauty vlogger; My Morning Routine! My Daily Routine! My Nightly Routine! Bed. I’m in bloody bed. It’s always bed. I’m in bed as I write this. It’s 18:09. 

Let’s lay it out. For the last two weeks James has been getting up at 6:30am for work, and seeing as the only time we can see each other is in the week, I am there. Waking up. At 6:30am. On my days off. I get home at 7:30am and go straight to bed. I don’t sleep, I drink coffee, blog, watch YouTube. Bed.

Suddenly it’s like 10am, shit. I must do something. How about a tea this time? Well, while I’m drinking it; bed. Breakfast? Bed. What’s next? What do I want to do? I go off and do it, and then when I’m not; bed. Maybe bed is my ‘sofa’ because I live with my parents. Whatever, it’s still a bed.

I’ve said bed so many times it’s no longer a word.

Bed.

Bunk.

Chaise.

Berth.

Trundle.

Thank you Google.

Is my bed the best one in the world? No*. I feel like it hardly resembles a mattress with all the lumps, bumps and indentations, probably from me spending the whole of my existence in it. I think the real reason is because it’s in the centre of all my things. My plants I love watering, my laptop, any craft things, clothes, make up, I dunno, everything I own I suppose. But it’s a bed, it screams lay down. Chill. Browse YouTube. Have another coffee. Then before you know it, I’m going back to James’s to another bed because he’s bed is like his ‘sofa’.

It doesn’t hurt at the moment, like I’m not frustrated at how much time I’m in bed because I’ve been really low. Which, god, sounds like the worst idea. I’m still active, I went for a 3.51 mile walk today, going for a scoot with the dogs tonight, wrote a blog post (not including this one), made bruschetta, made probably about 5 cups of tea or coffee… I just rest in bed in between, I recharge. I’m looking after myself. This is dangerous territory though, I’m fully aware. I do not want to go back to the days when I lived in bed and wouldn’t leave.

Now this is the point in the post where I should make a vow that I won’t keep or put myself up for a challenge that I’m just not mentally prepared for. Nah, I’ll give that a miss for now. No Trying To Stay Out Of My Bedroom For A Week challenge. No I Promise To Only Use My Bed For Sleeping vow

Here’s what I’ll do, a compromise if you will, I’ll move my bed. To be fair, I’ve been thinking it a while. Well, like a week. I’ll start that in this post right now actually, so when I get home tomorrow I mean, because there’s going to be a lot to move, like, fucking hell, why do I have a arm chair in my room? (Surely that should be my ‘sofa’?!) (Mind blown) If I move my bed to the corner of the room, rather than the centre, I’ll have room to move, do my crafts etc. I don’t know what else, this experiment might not work.. But I’m giving it a go!! Because it’s not healthy to keep bed hopping and I really don’t want to catch an STI!

That was a joke. A poor one I know. Still a joke.

 

*When reading this to James he wanted me to include that although my bed isn’t the best in the world, he thinks his bed is;

“No, don’t add I think it is, say ‘his bed is the best in the world’,”

“Yeah, ‘he thinks his bed is the best in the world’,”

“No! ‘his bed is the best in the world’!”

“That’s what I said, ‘he think his bed is the best in the world’.”

People get so touchy about their beds.

“Get out of mine then if you think it’s not the best in the world.”

 

Road trip preparations and the first failure

  • Deciding if I want to go on a road trip –  I do – CHECK
  • Plan everything or book on the way? Book on the way – CHECK
  • Cheesy notebooks?

check

Half way there already right?

  • Book two weeks off work – CHECK
  • Plan route – CHE...

Bugger.

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So rental cars from France can’t go into the Czech Republic or Poland. The irony is that this plan for the road trip started with ‘should we go back to Prague?’ because that’s where we had our first holiday. Then the conversation was ‘oh, I’ve always wanted to see Auschwitz! Let’s go to Poland too.. Hey, lets have a road trip!’ then a freeze frame of a jumping high five and some American music plays while the screen fades to black.

It wasn’t a dramatic fall finding that out, we are just going to take another route and see them another time. That was the plan for a while though, so what to do?! Well, now the plan is there is no plan, we leave in 8 days. Driving and deciding with Emily and James. That’s the silver lining, we are braving it like no man plan before. It was 31 hours and 1956 miles. Gone. That route I studied, gone. Now it could be so much more or so much less. Whatever, I shrug my shoulders and act cool. I mean, Auschwitz was literally the only place my partner wanted to see.. But the night before we found this out I was showing him places we are visiting in France, Belgium and Germany, so with this excitement cushioning him the fall from grace was softer.

Randomly now, did you know that on Google street view you can visit the brothels in Prague?! I recommend checking out Sweet Paradise. Entertained me for hours.

Anyway…

  • Booked the cars – CHECK
  • Booked the ferry – CHECK
  • Bought deodorant – CHECK

 

What more, I’m going for a completely aluminium free one, so look forward to updates on my armpits. Exciting times ahead.

 

Stress of the future

A good day is when a new door opens in your brain to new thought. I say this positively because it has to be, it’s not something to negatively dwell on. Today I’ve been confronted with something I kind of reject. There’s a question to why I reject it, whether it’s because I oppose anything to do responsibility or opposing what ‘I’m meant to do’. I do debate what I should do vs what I want to do. Regardless on if what I want to do is also what I should do. So whatever the reason why am I scared to prepare for the future?

I’ve seen the importance in it many a time. In the past I had the savings for a rainy day. And now? Now I hate the thought of waiting to live. I suppose this comes from people saying they’ll ‘wait for retirement to do that’ (I’m talking people in their 20s), and I think it’s absolutely absurd. No one knows if they’ll even reach their 60s. Plus by that point, and I try to say this sensitively, will you be able to do the same things as in your youth? You probably won’t even want to.

I’ve also had older people say to me that they wished they travelled. So many wishes and oh my God so many ‘don’t have kids’ and ‘don’t get married’. Not that I take this ‘advise’, every person is different. Also these people probably have so many blessings that they aren’t counting, which I may not have if I choose travel over a deposit for a house. You must substitute one regret for another.

I like to think that if my life got completely uprooted I would see it as my next adventure, but I’m saying that from the perspective of living with my parents, having a roof over my head and dinner on the table. If that was all taken away in a day, then what? What options do I have? I suppose, seriously thinking about it now, I would sell all my possessions, try to stay at someone’s house, take it a day at a time.. Then what if I had to provide, what if I’m not singular and there’s a lot on my shoulders? I did live on my own for four years and the stress was there. It’s all about finding the balance of doing what you want with your life, but also preparing for your future in case shit hits the fan.

I mean, this all being said, you can’t really have a plan in place can you. Otherwise you’ll be one of these people preparing for the zombie apocalypse or a nuclear war. You just have to be brave and somehow muster the courage to see a massive negative as a chance to learn. That’s what ‘failures’ are.

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The Pressure Of Being Happy

I have a daily/hourly/constant argument with myself about being happy. I haven’t completely narrowed down the reason why. Clearly obsessing and putting so much concentration on it doesn’t help, I’m literally creating the pressure. But then again I know others struggle with it, so maybe it’s a human thing, or a anxiety and depression thing. Today, on a positive note, I’m ok with not knowing the reason. Progress!

I’ve worked out happiness is an individual thing, and to be confident with yourself and unapologetic. I’ve already spent too much of my time doing things because others my age group were doing it. I never enjoyed hanging out in a big group of teenagers in a shopping centre, and trying to act like an adult when I was 14. It gave me an awful feeling inside, I suppose with hindsight it’s pretending to fit in. I never was much of a sheep though, my trampoline was my definition of joy up till I was 17. 

Yes, we have to do these things to learn. Though, I remember getting so confused when I didn’t enjoy things others were seeming to love. Clubbing till I’m absolutely gazeboed (Michael McIntyre joke, anyone?) and an uncontrollable mess – really, this weekend too?! I enjoy it when I’m drunk and still able to dance, please and thank you, but that’s not my epitomy of fun. It’s funny we feel like we have to fit these roles.

But no, I instantly went to why am I weird?! Why can’t I fit in?! Why am I me and not you?! 

Oh I can be very dramatic. Just imagine me falling to my knees yelling up to the sky and you wouldn’t be far off the mark.

Flash forward a few years; I really enjoy drinking but I also enjoy knitting. I like doing things and being out and about but I always prefer calmer situations. I enjoy getting to know peoples quirks and find it increasingly hard to be around fake people. Sometimes I’d prefer getting consumed in crafts than seeing anyone. I like speaking openly about my feelings and encourage others too. Plants are nice, I dont enjoy consumerism but I’m a bit of a hoarder, I love anime and I find any excuse to play, because I think that’s the key to my happiness. 

I’m always double checking and putting that pressure on myself, and I hate it, yuck. I’m trying so hard at the moment though, I’m really trying to help myself. Knowing that is a big boost and like I said, it’s an individual journey and self reminder – ‘don’t doubt yourself’. 

Just a few thoughts I wanted to share from my wardrobe covered in self reminders. (I’m not literally sharing them from there, that’s not my hiding place where I write blog posts from. You know what I mean.) 

My Top Tips To Stay Present

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I am at the start of my journey of being in the now. That doesn’t mean where I am at is more or less important to where I want to be some day. You can only live the present.

It can be amazingly hard to stay present, every part of myself wants to resist it. Occasionally I win and I can switch off the past and future, and those magical moments really encourage me to continue through to the next time I can win again. The peace I have felt has been mind blowing, bearing in mind I was in a dark place before I had this break through. I was at the bottom of a pit with no hope, then I broke through to normal life, though rather stay there for a bit I carried on soaring off into the atmosphere. Kinda. In ‘The Power of Now’ it says you are closest to enlightenment when you are broken, because the ego is broken, which almost contradicts what I said. So possibly instead of soaring up out of this pit, I found another way out which was underneath me, or a hole in the wall like in ‘Shawshank Redemption’. The quote ‘crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side’ couldn’t be more appropriate.

Although I say all this, I still struggle to keep out negative thoughts about things that aren’t actually happening at that moment, and it can plague relationships you have with people (you dwell and read into what they have said in the past), feelings can consume you in a never ending vortex in your mind and you don’t look at, enjoy and experience what is going on around you. So for those times I feel this way I have a quick and easy routine to bring me back into the now. You can do this in a crowd, at work or anywhere. Don’t be afraid of possible boredom, it honestly isn’t boring.

Here are my tips, tried and tested, for when you notice your mind is else where and not where it’s meant to be;

  • Start with sounds. Listen to everything going on around you. It’s amazing what you didn’t notice before.
  • Look at everything. Really look. Observe. Look and listen.
  • Notice how your body physically feels at that moment. How it feels to be sitting/walking, what your skin is touching, whether it’s clothing or the sun. Once you get to the tingly feeling you are on the right track.
  • Concentrate on your breathing.
  • And if your mind drifts off to other thoughts calmly bring yourself back to reality and start listening and looking again. It’s not a problem, it’s cool, it happens. Chill.

If I am feeling particularly anxious or annoyed for a reason I can’t identify or solve, and I’m still struggling to calm down after the first steps, I speak to myself.

I say (in my head of course);

  • “You don’t feel that.”
  • “Step out of that feeling, it’s your mind creating it, that isn’t what is happening right now.”
  • “It’s not reality.”
  • “You’re okay.”

It is totally possible to stop what you are feeling and just be calm. Just allow it.

“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.”

Eckhart Tolle