Reasoning

I’m going through a phase of needing quiet.

I suppose I need peace. But the next best thing is quiet.

Maker:S,Date:2017-10-10,Ver:6,Lens:Kan03,Act:Lar02,E-ve

I struggle with the thought of ‘what’s the point in doing anything?’ Everything is trivial and meaningless really, once we die. I don’t say this to be a downer – though, naturally, it is a downer.

I fight this conflict all the time. It’s why some days I do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Maker:S,Date:2017-10-10,Ver:6,Lens:Kan03,Act:Lar02,E-ve

Today though I needed a walk in my favourite fields, to clear away the fog and cobwebs, and although it was freezing (literally freezing, it’s been snowing this week) it helped me hugely.

Just feeling the sun on my face.. it’s hard to explain. I don’t need to explain anyway.

I realised

there’s no point to anything but you can’t be happy doing nothing.

It’s simple, but as I’ve been realising recently, the best things are.

Maker:S,Date:2017-10-10,Ver:6,Lens:Kan03,Act:Lar02,E-ve

I’ve slacked on reading for a while now and to get back into it I started with some Roald Dahl. I then went onto The Secret Garden. The quote ‘where you tend a rose, my lad, a thistle cannot grow’ has stuck with me. So for two packages I’m sending to friends for Valentine’s Day I included a postcard of this quote that I drew, with a note on the back reminding them to keep the magic within them.

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Snapshot of my December 2017

Learnt I have great aim…

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Fell in love with Edinburgh…

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Had a blast with my little bro all month…

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Despite being constantly busy, found a spare minute for the odd craft here and there…

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Took part in many festivities…

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A lot of alcohol, a lot of pubs, a lot of dancing…

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And snow.

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All this along with a fainting Mum, a trip to the hospital for little bro, many last minute trips to finish off presents, another broken phone (RIP photos), depression kicking my arse for a few days, a flu that has spread around my family and has finally reached me AND a partridge in a pear tree Christmas Day.

This year has been wicked.

What have you been up to? Looking after my mental health and cute penguins

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This week on whybut has been different. At first it annoyed me, not going to lie, but turns out how I want to be and how I am are two very different things.

I want to be clear headed 24/7 and able to do all the things I want, but I simply can’t.

I get low, then I get extremely happy, and then back down etc etc. And along with the ride I get so frustrated, I hate the numb days, I hate hopelessness, I want to be something else.

*You’re never going to be someone else*

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It’s too complex to go into, plus I can’t be asked.

I’m just being my own best friend, that’s all. And I love to comfort her with Sky Arts Landscape Artist of the Year and Jonathon Creek.

I obviously want to continue to fight the depression and anxiety, but I still need to be at peace with it – some days I can climb over it and sometimes I need to stay on the mountain and make it my home. It can’t be a negative anymore because it’s been years and years now and I should just accept it’s part of my path.

I have depression. I HAVE DEPRESSION! That’s fine.

Anyway, less suppression, more acceptance. That’s been my week.

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Along with it I’ve realised I can’t write out do to lists for future days, or plan it because when that day comes my mood might not want to do it – and I don’t need guilt on top of other negative feelings.

So this week my book has turned into an essential part of my working, but not with words – more like a pallet or backdrop.

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Still successful. I did stuff that was under each category – lifestyle, work and personal.

I made these wonderfully, weird penguin acorn caps, which I will be turning into baubles and will be up on my etsy soon.

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I also finished these two photo wall hangings – after the other two selling – and they are up on my etsy shop.

Other than that my bedroom is a shit hole, I’ve forgotten to clean my teeth today and I’m treating myself to a takeaway pizza tonight. Yipeeeee!

 

 

What you been up to? Self care, getting crafty and a whole load of photos in my ‘November’ album

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– Fetch a cup of tea before reading –

Week one and I can say my mind is calmer.

I suppose my ‘whybut’ idea is like a bullet journal, except it’s more random and messy – which suits me to a T. As soon as there are rules or too much structure I just walk away. I don’t want an empty space screaming ‘YOU DIDN’T FILL OUT MONDAY!’

I wrote down a list of things I want to do that week – under work, lifestyle and personal. Then each day I’d pick what I want to do (and added more) and wrote a separate to do list.

I didn’t do it every day this week, so by accident I have evidence how doing this cleared my mind and not only helped me be more productive – but made me feel satisfied. Which is all I want from this.

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It stayed on my desk, so it is technically unnecessary when it comes to lifestyle lists. Plus most of my lifestyle – socialising, going out – is impulsive. So this book will only be handy with lifestyle when it interlinks with one of the other categories. For example, pumpkin picking was lifestyle, but I wanted to do a blog post about it.

Enough about the book – lets sum up what I achieved for the first week.

Got most of my main lists ticked off.

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Made my bleached pine cone table name card holders – but more about that another time.

Finished up this Halloween idea which I can’t share till a years time. Which sounds so bloody awful but it’ll all make sense in January.

Less blog posts as usual, but I had a few bad mental health days – which comes under lifestyle and looking after myself.

Cleared my desk a little, but other than that I’m currently surrounded by mess. I can’t see it when I face the wall. Saturday isn’t over yet anyway.

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It is the 4th of November and I can proudly say my ‘work November 2017’ folder on my computer already has 210 photos in.

Made a tiny start on my rewrite of Chapter two of my book.

And, of course, James and I started Stranger Things season two.


 

In therapy I was taught to write out all my anxious thoughts when I have them. I’ve also heard the technique of talking to yourself, saying your problems out loud – just so it’s out of your head. Then you can start feeling a little better.

This is similar. I constantly think, mainly about things I want to be doing. Like I said in the original post, I often feel guilty when doing one thing and not another. Mindfulness and meditating would probably be handy for this, maybe that should be on my list this week.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that the days I wrote down what I want to do and could achieve, something lifted off my shoulders. It was out of my brain.

No one can do everything at once. I’m guilty of looking at the whole picture. I need to focus in, because nothing seems as such of a big task then.

It’s all alright really.

Thoughts on how I’ve embraced positive quotes

I’ve been quite open and honest with my mental health on here in the past, and with everything else in my life, I just go through phases of how much I tell people. At the moment I’m pretty quiet, which I’m not sure is better because do people assume I’m ‘cured’ because I’m not showing it as much? Does that even matter?

Even so, I may be screaming on the inside, just like others are, but I don’t feel like doing that on the outside.

This may be in relation of whether I allow my depression and anxiety to consume me or whether I’m fighting it more. Fighting in the sense of accepting when I feel crap but surrounding myself in happy things.

I have never been one for quotes, and more specifically positive quotes, they just felt.. fake. I hate fake and it felt like I was lying if I were to have something like that around me. I do like words, however, so I would hold onto thoughts I’ve had or things which would help – like ‘I’m okay’ or ‘One Day At A Time’, which I drew at the beginning of this year after therapy. Telling yourself just one day at a time works wonders!

(Which, past Emily, is a positive quote!) (Don’t tell her, she’d be mortified!)

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I think what’s changed is that I’ve allowed positive quotes to help me.

I don’t need more bad energy surrounding me, I’ve got enough of that in my brain. So what if it’s cheesy?! So what if these positive quotes isn’t how any of us are feeling?! It doesn’t mean it’s fake, it means your trying.

It’s the difference in someone telling you to just give up, life is hard, or to help yourself because it’s worth it.

There’s just too many dark paths to go down, all I can do is stick to a route that’s genuine to me but try and have that torch, that light to guide me.

Hold onto a crystal, re-read your favourite book, pray, listen to an album on repeat, cover your bedroom in fairy lights, go for long walks, cuddle your favourite teddy

or

embrace positive quotes.

Because you’ve just got to.

Some autumn goals

 

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Like Summer, I’m writing some goals for Autumn – not to stick rigidly to but to inspire me to not be lazy like my inner self really wants. I really just want to lay in bed, drink hot chocolate and watch films.

Just a brief run down of each goal – go swimming every week. I love swimming, even though I’m awful at it and I just end up making my own swimming strokes, but James and I started going more often recently and I felt great after. During I feel like my limbs are on fire, but after wards I’m on top of the world.

Also good for depression.

Fly a kite – if you’ve been reading my blog you understand this one. I’m not giving up yet.

Print of little brother for St Lucian charity – I drew a photo of my adopted brother months ago and I saw it the other day and it hit me that I should try and sell it to raise money for a St Lucian charity (where he’s originally from) with the sales. I haven’t looked into the idea at all, so I have many steps under this goal. I have a charity in mind though, because he and Mum do Christmas shoe boxes each year for this charity, filled with toys for children.

Do something special with James – since my partner, James, has a new job we see each other less. We see each other briefly each day still but it’s never doing much other than shopping or chores. So it’ll be lovely to set a day just for us two, with no chores, no work and just fun.

 


 

That’s all for now. Less outdoors things this season but hopefully having these goals up will motivate me to do more – and more meaning a good scooting session soon. Scooting session soon. Say that three times fast.

Thanks! Bye!