Distraction From Yourself

With this low I’ve been feeling the last few days comes with it a need for distraction. I’ve been play fighting more, sorting things then resorting, and drawing a lot. Anything for a kick I suppose, anything other than feeling like crap. Then when times come that I’m in the actual present and faced with the truth of how low I’ve gotten I freak at my sad thoughts and start something else. Any distraction. 
This is also a distraction. Yesterday wasn’t but today is. 

Makes me wonder if that’s part of being an adult. Which is scary. Its something I’d like to think about and question but I fear going too deep when there’s so much negativity in me already.

Is distraction good? Is it helping? Maybe. It’s the only reason I’m functioning so possibly distraction is the best thing.

Regards to drawing lots, I haven’t drawn in years, no idea where this need has come from. My internet went out when I really needed it, this particular time.

Tomorrow is a new start, literally for me. I’m trying this new thing where I don’t tell myself I’m going to be fine, I tell myself I’m going to be anxious – because I really am going to be. Repressing it does nothing. Lets see.  

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Halloween: Kids vs Adults

 

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What’s scarier than mental health problems, ay?! I’ve had an awful couple of days and so much in me wants to give up everything I’ve tried so hard at for the last two months. I want bed and YouTube.

But I refuse to do that. There’s nothing in me that’s interesting to blog about today but I am here, I am typing and I am trying, and the photos will be awful quality from my phone, my writing won’t be my best but at least I am doing it. I’m keeping some routine while my brain feels completely uprooted.

So I thought I’d talk about my Halloween today – in comparison to my little brother and nephews day, who are aged 3 and 2.

Kids Halloween:

They went to a spooky farm in the day, which my mum and sister thought would be fun and harmless. Little did they know that it’ll be petrifying. They still had fun, but there were tears, and from the video they sent me sounds like the tears are from the adults.

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They aren’t mentally scarred, don’t worry. Then they came home, took off their costumes like they were on fire or something, and ate sweets, watched cartoons and painted pumpkins.

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Adults (with no children) Halloween:

I on the other hand had a far less scary day. Drank tea and coffee, watched Gone Girl, sorted out Christmas presents (because that always cheers me up), caught a spider that ran across my bed and put him under a glass (that was pretty scary to be fair), ate sweets, painted with the boys and chilled.

I also hid when trick or treaters came to the door – can any situation be any more awkward? My mum was helping my little brother on the loo, to give you more detail than you need, so I kind of had to do it, but I ran away and luckily my mum got there in time. I’m not scared of the monster costumes, I’m scared of the human interaction. Can any other holiday put you in this many intrusive and awkward situations? Santa doesn’t come knocking, elf’s and reindeer don’t jump out at you. Even if you don’t want to, you have no choice but to join in. I do like the fireworks though, I’m watching them through my window as I type. Anyway, that’s my day so far.

No plans to go out. Was meant to have a Halloween night in with friends but work commitments had to change that. Instead I’m going to my boyfriends house, we are going to drink red wine, light some sparklers and watch the latest season of American Horror Story. Not all at once. That’s dangerous.

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That’s all anyway, I need to leave now. Have a good Halloween evening!

 

When Your Back Has No Wall

I have your back
And you have mine, right?

Oh wait
What’s happening
Apparently not tonight.

Well that’s deflated me, I don’t know what to say
My voice has escaped me
I’m bitter at my lack of words because at least they’re free
Now I’m an empty balloon
I’m Abandoned, I don’t mean to sound dramatic
But I thought we were forming a habit
Or is it too soon
To say we had a bond
Now there’s not much holding on
That wouldn’t throw everything whizzing around
To go back to the beginning
To the empty shell hidden in a corner, or behind a sofa
The used balloon that can’t be found
Or wanted anymore, the use has been used
Back to nothing
Instead I’m feeling
Awkward in a place I’m not fond.

Now it’s playing on my mind
I’m running on a vinyl record, trying and trying to rewind
But no, I should have known
That’ll I’ll be sent spinning when I thought I was in control
And old routines are coming back
They aren’t old friends, they’re uninvited
The thoughts are so unwanted
I couldn’t sprint any faster
There’s such a shift when you realise you aren’t  in charge
Now any trivial problem feels big and large
My internet keeps stopping
This pen is running out, It’s night
Youtube is buffering
Why won’t you stand with me?
No rightness, no light
Am I on my own?
My phone is flashing
My brain is rushing
I hate going back to feeling
Alone.

I’m not, no I’m not alone
It is temporary I know
But frustration is currently
Taking over my body, everything is too loud
And a thick brown goo is seeping into every entity
Where’s the miracle cream that gets rid of your pores
Just please give me this, this one time
To break all the rules and defy all the laws
Oh how I wish I had the power
To move on
To switch off
To be self inflating, to not get lost
To free me of myself, I know I’m not helping
To melt me of my own frost
And gather
Into a river that’s far less depressing
And free roaming
Because I know I’ll always have a current
But rivers are forever moving and it would be soothing
When the dark parts get burnt.

I give my vulnerability to the world like it’s in fashion
Like high end couture
Dripping, oozing, coated with passion
Not that I would know what that is
Maybe more like a present
I’m not sure if you’d judge, but I’ve given my own consent
And taking the gift back is something I do frequent
But it’s okay
I feel okay now
It’s always a blip that takes over somehow
I can be my own rock and I have a few others scattered
I pride myself on being open
But not for me to get shattered.

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Overgrow The Field

I’m not laughing, I mean, there isn’t anything witty
But isn’t it funny how you feel from a little victory.
It’s a dark sense of humour, it’s a tireless joke,
Fully aware I can fall while balancing of this wire of hope.

Only a second on a hand, a millimetre on a mile,
A weightless baby step that has polar shifted the dial,
But this seed had grown roots, searching through the earth.
I can’t help but wonder of what a leap could birth.

No rushing ahead, mind stop, don’t get set up for upset.
Need to learn to enjoy the small and when expectations are met,
But I’ll still be fighting, this plant will grow on its own.
It’s not a rose. Yet it’s often forgotten that weeds get overgrown.

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Maybe There’s A Maybe

I feel like the little man.
A small voice, a ball and chain,
Orb of low, rusty links of anxiety,
Letting others rule and reign.
I have imagined having some power
But not to be greedy or inhumane,
Just my small voice to be heard,
Not passed off as a nagging woman’s gain.

The weight hasn’t lifted off my ankle,
I’m still plagued with doubt in the brain,
Yet a hope I believed wasn’t breathing
Has reached up calling to campaign.
Maybe one person can speak loud.
Maybe it can be heard by the main.
Maybe there’s a maybe.
Maybe the future isn’t so plain.

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Prague – March 2016

The Pressure Of Being Happy

I have a daily/hourly/constant argument with myself about being happy. I haven’t completely narrowed down the reason why. Clearly obsessing and putting so much concentration on it doesn’t help, I’m literally creating the pressure. But then again I know others struggle with it, so maybe it’s a human thing, or a anxiety and depression thing. Today, on a positive note, I’m ok with not knowing the reason. Progress!

I’ve worked out happiness is an individual thing, and to be confident with yourself and unapologetic. I’ve already spent too much of my time doing things because others my age group were doing it. I never enjoyed hanging out in a big group of teenagers in a shopping centre, and trying to act like an adult when I was 14. It gave me an awful feeling inside, I suppose with hindsight it’s pretending to fit in. I never was much of a sheep though, my trampoline was my definition of joy up till I was 17. 

Yes, we have to do these things to learn. Though, I remember getting so confused when I didn’t enjoy things others were seeming to love. Clubbing till I’m absolutely gazeboed (Michael McIntyre joke, anyone?) and an uncontrollable mess – really, this weekend too?! I enjoy it when I’m drunk and still able to dance, please and thank you, but that’s not my epitomy of fun. It’s funny we feel like we have to fit these roles.

But no, I instantly went to why am I weird?! Why can’t I fit in?! Why am I me and not you?! 

Oh I can be very dramatic. Just imagine me falling to my knees yelling up to the sky and you wouldn’t be far off the mark.

Flash forward a few years; I really enjoy drinking but I also enjoy knitting. I like doing things and being out and about but I always prefer calmer situations. I enjoy getting to know peoples quirks and find it increasingly hard to be around fake people. Sometimes I’d prefer getting consumed in crafts than seeing anyone. I like speaking openly about my feelings and encourage others too. Plants are nice, I dont enjoy consumerism but I’m a bit of a hoarder, I love anime and I find any excuse to play, because I think that’s the key to my happiness. 

I’m always double checking and putting that pressure on myself, and I hate it, yuck. I’m trying so hard at the moment though, I’m really trying to help myself. Knowing that is a big boost and like I said, it’s an individual journey and self reminder – ‘don’t doubt yourself’. 

Just a few thoughts I wanted to share from my wardrobe covered in self reminders. (I’m not literally sharing them from there, that’s not my hiding place where I write blog posts from. You know what I mean.) 

My Top Tips To Stay Present

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I am at the start of my journey of being in the now. That doesn’t mean where I am at is more or less important to where I want to be some day. You can only live the present.

It can be amazingly hard to stay present, every part of myself wants to resist it. Occasionally I win and I can switch off the past and future, and those magical moments really encourage me to continue through to the next time I can win again. The peace I have felt has been mind blowing, bearing in mind I was in a dark place before I had this break through. I was at the bottom of a pit with no hope, then I broke through to normal life, though rather stay there for a bit I carried on soaring off into the atmosphere. Kinda. In ‘The Power of Now’ it says you are closest to enlightenment when you are broken, because the ego is broken, which almost contradicts what I said. So possibly instead of soaring up out of this pit, I found another way out which was underneath me, or a hole in the wall like in ‘Shawshank Redemption’. The quote ‘crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side’ couldn’t be more appropriate.

Although I say all this, I still struggle to keep out negative thoughts about things that aren’t actually happening at that moment, and it can plague relationships you have with people (you dwell and read into what they have said in the past), feelings can consume you in a never ending vortex in your mind and you don’t look at, enjoy and experience what is going on around you. So for those times I feel this way I have a quick and easy routine to bring me back into the now. You can do this in a crowd, at work or anywhere. Don’t be afraid of possible boredom, it honestly isn’t boring.

Here are my tips, tried and tested, for when you notice your mind is else where and not where it’s meant to be;

  • Start with sounds. Listen to everything going on around you. It’s amazing what you didn’t notice before.
  • Look at everything. Really look. Observe. Look and listen.
  • Notice how your body physically feels at that moment. How it feels to be sitting/walking, what your skin is touching, whether it’s clothing or the sun. Once you get to the tingly feeling you are on the right track.
  • Concentrate on your breathing.
  • And if your mind drifts off to other thoughts calmly bring yourself back to reality and start listening and looking again. It’s not a problem, it’s cool, it happens. Chill.

If I am feeling particularly anxious or annoyed for a reason I can’t identify or solve, and I’m still struggling to calm down after the first steps, I speak to myself.

I say (in my head of course);

  • “You don’t feel that.”
  • “Step out of that feeling, it’s your mind creating it, that isn’t what is happening right now.”
  • “It’s not reality.”
  • “You’re okay.”

It is totally possible to stop what you are feeling and just be calm. Just allow it.

“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.”

Eckhart Tolle